Hidden clause to sixth commandment revealed: Thou shalt not kill unless he is using a legally obtained firearm

The Republican Party has been under intense scrutiny the past few months for their refusal to implement stricter gun control into U.S. legislation following several mass shootings. However, some recently uncovered information may just help the argument of Second Amendment supporters. An anonymous source came forward earlier this week stating that the sacred stone given to […] Read more

Paramedics on hand for full-contact chess tournament

In what turned into absolute carnage among chess-playing intellectuals on Saturday, eyewitnesses described the violence that ensued during the world’s first full-contact chess tournament. “There were some unspeakable things that happened at that tournament,” said paramedic Terry Shroedecker. “My God, the things people do in the name of sport. I’ll never understand it.” Accounts of […] Read more

New automated flagpoles lower flags to half-mast every 48 hours

As routine mass shootings and violence become another part of the grim background music in a trauma-weary, post-recession nation still struggling to organize its scatterbrained, Paxil-permeated thoughts about the inevitable blowback that occurs in a declining consumer culture deeply rooted in instant gratification, overnight celebrity status and adoration of firearms, no clear solution exists. However, […] Read more