UNL Classes Resume Despite Torrential Rain of Virgin Blood


Splattered with the life matter of thousands of virgins, UNL student Kevin Ballock is having trouble focusing in his contemporary math course.

“It’s in my eyes,” Ballock, a senior sociology major, said. “My eyes are burning kind of badly.”

Ballock is among thousands of students questioning UNL’s decision to remain open this past Monday despite a torrential downpour of virgin blood.

This is common ground for the university, who has a record of staying open despite what Mother Nature is trying to pull.

“Tell me this: has anyone died?” asked an exasperated Harvey Perlman. “No. The answer is still no.”

Chancellor Perlman in the past has commented on UNL’s steadfast commitment to stay open, even with severe weather conditions.

“You don’t have to drive, so you shouldn’t be concerned about weather conditions,” Perlman wrote in an email to the student body during a tornado warning in March of 2006. “Just walk to class. Do it. Go outside right now.”

He later acknowledged that “maybe a few fringe students” live off campus, but this hasn’t affected UNL’s attitude toward cancelling courses because of weather.

Danny Halsterm, a sophomore biology student, was concerned about what the virgin blood may do to his exposed skin.

“That seems real sketch,” Halsterm said. “Like, kind of, like, a movie? This seems like it could be a movie.”

A movie it is not, said UNL meteorology professor Davis McAllister.

“What concerns me most is not the student’s safety, but what in the Sam Hill is going on outside,” McAllister said. “This is ridiculous. Where is the blood coming from? Have we angered a deity? Also, how did they determine it was the blood of virgins? There isn’t even a test for that.”

“Classes should’ve definitely been cancelled, though,” he added.

Halsterm agreed with McAllister’s concerns, saying he thought maybe this is the result of a curse.
“Dude, what if,” he said. “What if this is, like, ‘The Mummy’? What if a mummy is coming to get us?”

Not likely, according to Perlman.

“This isn’t a curse or a threat from a god or whatever,” he said. “This is weather and it’s part of life. Come to class and learn.”

“And pay your tuition,” he added.

  • urmom

    I bet Harvey would keep school open even if someone died in the Chamber of Secrets.