In a landmark decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled on four pending gay marriage suits this Tuesday, declaring that marriage is only constitutionally defined between six male and three female Supreme Court justices.
Same-sex couples and heterosexual couples around the nation expressed outrage as their marriages were immediately made legally invalid by the ruling.
“I’m extremely concerned about what this means if my wife gets sick because I don’t have spousal visiting rights at the hospital anymore,” said married and staunchly heterosexual Georgia resident Derrick Wilson. “Before it was just the gay folk who couldn’t visit their partners, but now we’re all stuck talking about this life partner business.”
In the majority opinion Chief Justice Roberts emphasized the need to protect American society from the moral decay that would inevitably be caused by marriages outside of a nine-justice relationship.
“In our decision we carefully evaluated the eternal principles that have shaped human marriage across all cultures, from those set forth in the Christian Bible to that crazy woman who tried to marry the Eiffel Tower a couple years ago,” wrote Roberts. “It was exceptionally clear to the court that human civilization has and always will hold the union of nine American Supreme Court justices to be the only acceptable and eternal marital bond.”
Justices Kennedy, Ginsburg, and Alito dissented. At press time it is unclear as to whether they will agree to be included in the upcoming marital union.
When asked for comment, Clarence Thomas did not speak but was heard breathing audibly.