Though the Democratic side of the aisle was relatively empty, Republicans showed up in force on Thursday to hear newly sworn-in Speaker John Boehner read a great American document aloud. Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss. “Would you eat them in a box?” Boehner queried his fellow Representatives. “Would you eat them with a fox?” The […] Read more
Despite being granted the two week notice he had asked for, United States Vice President Joe Biden failed his state-mandated drug test for the third time in as many months. Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss. The Vice President, whose previous crimes have included petty theft, strong arm robbery, public indecency and soliciting prostitution, was ordered […] Read more
Fred Williams, a senior broadcasting major at UNL, has an incredibly moderate talent. Ever since the ninth grade, Fred’s voice has been recognized among his peers as “really good” or, every once in a while, “booming.” This unwieldy amassment of praise has led Fred to pursue a career in broadcasting and radio. Left: Fred Williams […] Read more
The President of the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Tom Sherak, announced today that the acting nominations for its most popular event, the Academy Awards, will include all actors that said “fuck you” in a passable Boston accent. The president didn’t specify what would qualify as a passable Boston accent, but it […] Read more
Recent reports that entire flocks of birds and schools of fish are dying of unnatural causes have finally been explained. A press release from Captain Planet’s representatives contains a confession outlining the hero’s recent drug and alcohol abuse. Mr. Planet apologized at length using several earth puns, and has promised to go straight into rehab. […] Read more
The founder of the Parents Television Council, L. Brent Bozell, has gone outside the world of TV this week to warn parents of his belief that the Millennium Trilogy, by the late Swedish writer Stieg Larsson, is “definitely” leading young girls to get dragon tattoos. While Bozell could not come up with any concrete evidence […] Read more
