Enough is enough. I’m fed up with this liberal media witch hunt. I’ve never done anything to you that you didn’t emphatically deserve. Consider your leftist heart spared by my conglomerate, News Corporation, which has allowed your pathetic little insect existence for as long as it has. It’s one thing when you schedule an appointment […] Read more
Sometimes life gives you lemons, but this is not one of those timesxdss. I didn’t have a snrokk like ESPN reportedsdf. I was at home, eating my customary meal of fifteen steaks, and I decided to take a nap where I was sitting. You can ask my widfes and she’ll tell you the same; sometimes […] Read more
Breaking an oath of secrecy, numerous NFL players have spoken about a fantasy league made up of everyday people that’s been running since August. “Fantasy is fun for everyone else,” said Andy Dalton, quarterback for the Cincinnati Bengals. “We get the shaft. Who doesn’t want to have fun? We play a dumb game all day. […] Read more
When news of Disney purchasing the right to the “Star Wars” franchise first broke, many wondered if another Star Wars re-release could be in the works. So the news of yet another George Lucas special edition filled with minor tweaks should come as a shock to few, but the film’s topicality may stir controversy. Pockets […] Read more
Sources in Washington D.C. have released several statements indicating that key players in the United States military are expressing a growing discontent with the depletion of funding for the nation’s armed forces. “We can’t be expected to get by on this kind of fascist budget restriction,” said Navy Admiral Stewart Frost. “Every year they’re loosening […] Read more
Even in an increasingly muddled Middle East, the Israel-Palestinian conflict is a very complex struggle; each side is burdened with thousands of years of religious, cultural and political differences. Despite a recent ceasefire, he conflict is unlikely to be fully resolved any time soon and will only grow in intensity as various nations and political […] Read more
After a grueling campaign, the fate of the Affordable Care Act, also known as “Obamacare,” has been determined; it will become law of the land. Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman has been dealing with the emotional toll this news has brought him, and has found that “Obamacare” is an exceptional safe word for his BDSM (Bondage, […] Read more
With the fall semester coming to an end, students can look forward to a new option for their spring schedules. Blink 182 will be offered as a new course at University of Nebraska-Lincoln, and students will be able to count the class as part of the ACE 7 curriculum. The class, which is more advanced […] Read more
Just days after Rutgers and Maryland joined the Big Ten conference, it has come out that there will be a 15th member as well. Dog University was formed by seven stray dogs that wander around in a pack in Doon, Iowa. Within two days of their formation, Dog University was offered an invitation to join […] Read more
Okay. So ever since Sandy came to town, everyone’s been acting like a little bitch. Especially when I said that I don’t think the government should be responsible for cleanup. Sorry, I don’t want to be Sandy’s mother and clean up her mess. I have better things to do, like, I don’t know, win a motherfucking presidential […] Read more
