Siblings Johnny and Haley Smith are reporting today that after two long years, their daddy still has not returned from his trip to heaven. After reportedly leaving in an “underground spaceship,” Haley and Johnny’s daddy has yet to make any contact with them — they are unable to confirm any possible return date. The pair […] Read more
Information surfaced this weekend that members of the parking enforcement agencies of Lincoln, both campus- and city-wide “Park & Go,” are reportedly of demonic origin. The Satanic personnel, who appear at what has been found to be the statistically worst possible times, look like average humans. However, according to multiple youth sources, these staffers are […] Read more
In a not-so-stunning change of heart, Nebraska Governor Dave Heineman has approved a “sexy” new route for the TransCanada Keystone XL pipeline. Heineman had previously halted construction on the controversial pipeline over environmental concerns that the route would cut through Nebraska’s Sandhills. TransCanada responded by rerouting the pipeline to avoid the Sandhills, but the new […] Read more
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, not usually one for grand pronouncements, unveiled a sweeping overhaul of the league Sunday in a surprise press conference. After brief comments on player safety and how human-like Bill Bellichick was looking in that suit today, the Commissioner revealed the true reason for the meeting. “The NFL is proud to name […] Read more
In a rare crowd-pleasing announcement, Governor Dave Heineman stated his plans to freeze tuition at all Nebraska state colleges and universities on Friday. When asked how he plans to pay for the $50 million proposal, Heineman stated that he was “pretty sure” the revenue could be raised by cutting taxes. “Everyone knows that when you […] Read more
Perhaps one of the traits that endeared me to the Athletic administration is my reserved demeanor. “This department already has enough characters,” I can imagine them saying, “and we don’t need someone who’s going to rock the boat.” That’s where I come in. You don’t know me, and yet you do know me. I’m your […] Read more
Yesterday evening, a pedestrian reportedly took fucking forever to cross the street. Sources report that the pedestrian had no respect for any of the motorists selflessly waiting at the intersection of 14th and “O” Street during rush hour, and select motorists took extreme offense. “He really was just being an asshole for the sake of […] Read more
After nearly a month of meaninglessness, UNL senior Ryan Bonatree, has regained sentience as his final semester at the university commences. Three and a half weeks of dive bars, Halo 4, and those Christmas tree Little Debbie cakes have taken a major toll on the senior: he hasn’t had one conscious thought since he handed […] Read more
Officials from the Centers for Disease Control were stunned earlier this week by an outbreak of mild cough cases that have swept across the United States. The CDC reported earlier this week that cases of the mild cough have been found in all 50 states, with over 104,680,925,002 hospitalizations reported. Confirmed deaths are estimated at […] Read more
After close to five years of deliberation, the NCAA has officially announced the vacation of the entire George W. Bush presidency and the nullification of every record he set while in office. While some of the records the former former president set, like the most word misuses in speeches, will not be missed, others may […] Read more
