As Debra Barber finishes a bit of spring cleaning, she audibly reminds herself how blessed she is. Her son, Dale Barber, is finishing his English degree at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln this spring. He is unsure what he’ll be doing after graduation, other than “finally having time to write what needs to be written.” “The […] Read more
Clyde Markson, a freshman living on floor seven of Abel, describes himself as a “medium-level guitarist.” After fumbling his way through “Free Fallin’,” he revealed that playing guitar is a “passion of mine.” According to Markson, he was inspired to be a rock star in his seventh grade music appreciation class, though he didn’t actually […] Read more
Following a series of contentious debates, the House of Representatives appeared to reach a compromise on immigration Friday. Speaker of the House John Boehner, visibly pleased with the work his colleagues had done, would initially only tell reporters on the Capitol Steps that “Ladies and gentlemen, Operation TACO is go.” Expanding on that line, […] Read more
In a polarizing executive order that continues to send echoes through campus, recently elected ASUN President Eric Reznicek has killed seven UNL students in a series of unmanned drone attacks. The ASUN Presidency, typically a position used for minor fund allocation changes and resumé fillers, has been subjected to harsher investigation since the bombings that […] Read more
Just in time for the holiday season, Guantanamo Bay has declared that its highly secured doors will open for this year’s wave of spring breakers. Crowds of all sorts are flooding the rooms of the Bay, some students, some vacationers, and some “high profiled targets” of the CIA. What they all have in common, though, […] Read more
In an unprecedented act of kindness and generosity, the North Korean government has given a massive, beautifully-crafted wooden horse to South Korea. “We are very excited to receive this wonderful gift,” said South Korean President Park Geun-hye. “Just look at it! It’s incredible. I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t want this.” The gigantic wooden horse […] Read more
In a shocking turn of events, the Supreme Court of the United States has ruled that all marriage is unconstitutional. “We didn’t want to have to do this, but since you won’t share, we’re just going to have to take it away,” said Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who has “had it up to here with this […] Read more
While hardly being able to stifle back laughter, Deb Fischer, the junior senator from Nebraska, demanded equal rights for all citizens regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation. At a press conference early this morning, the senator demanded that the United States ”truly have liberty and justice for all, not just those who I personally […] Read more
Following the renewal of the Newspaper Readership Program at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, despite the unfavorable vote the program received from the recent student elections, undergraduates across campus continue in their goal to wipe out literacy once and for all. “We all know damn well that reading and words are pure evil,” frat […] Read more
Despite its omnipotent presence and enormous price tag, no one has ever been seen entering or leaving the Jackie Gaughan Multicultural Center. UNL head caretaker Clarence Johnson has independently confirmed that no member of his staff has ever set foot in the facility. Indeed, they don’t even have keys. “We see silhouettes of people in […] Read more
