Let me start this editorial off simply. Your christmas wishes, miracles? Kiss them goodbye. Grandma’s still gonna hit the bottle. Your presents will be universally disappointing, and, no, little boy, your mama ain’t getting no shoes tonight. What do you people think I am? Where do you get off asking me, Saint Nick, to solve […] Read more
Sources within the Nebraska athletic department have confirmed recent rumors that the Washington Generals have been added to the 2015 Nebraska football schedule following the firing of Bo Pelini. “With the coaching situation unsure for next season, we wanted to make sure we would have at least one guaranteed win,” said Nebraska athletic director Shawn […] Read more
Phooey! Crag-nabbit! You seen this new “Star Wars” internet projection? Barb showed it to me yesterday morning. She said the grandkids like it, so I guess she’s trying to figure out prospective Christmas gifts for the sprouts. I’ll tell you this much, though: we aren’t buying our munchkins any of this non-sensible jibber jabber. No […] Read more
As the temperature starts to drop, many students are trying to stay warm as best as they can. Many resort to a traditional coat or sweatshirt, but freshmen Cody Parker is taking extreme remedies in order to stay warm by hibernating inside of an original Runza sandwich. “In San Diego, all you need is a […] Read more
Call it a sloppy, jolly Christmas. Sources are reporting that Santa Claus was spotted red-cheeked after hiding a recently stuffed stocking the bottom of the laundry hamper at his home at the Northern Pole. “He really spread some holiday spirit,” an anonymous source told the Dailyer. “But we’re still a few weeks out from Christmas, […] Read more
In a nail-biting finishing, the Republican party have won the war on Christmas 3-2, after Republican John Boeher scored the game-winning run by passing a bill making the term “Happy Holidays” illegal in all 50 states. “I’m just so pleased on what this team has accomplished,” a half-smiling Boehner said. “Because of our triumphs, we […] Read more
“Sometimes, our crusades for divination lead us to strange places,” said Rev. Grant Havel as he walked along a stony road, following the North Star to, literally, God knows where. Rev. Havel, one of the newest religious nomads following the North Star, hoped to find “something…with God in it or something” as he kept travelling […] Read more
Heheh, you sly dog. It’s Christmas, don’t you have shame? Nah, I’m just joshing you. But you are a dirty dirty human, aren’t ya? Yeah, you. What? Oh, yes, yes, I know that I’m an elf, or one of those smallish, pointy-eared creatures. But that’s not important. What is important is your naughty little wish […] Read more
Little Annie Remington, 81, did not expect that her family would be able to celebrate a truly festive and bright Christmas this year as she brought out her infamous holiday fruitcake, which had actually achieved atomic half-life. “Oh, dearie, was I surprised when I unwrapped that fruitcake,” Remington said, who never knew that a balding […] Read more
A calmness spills through the Charter household. It seeps through the mistletoe, flows downs the stairs and finds its way into the branches of meticulously decorated Christmas tree. The family sits on their overstuffed couch. Christmas Eve. The smell of cinnamon rolls, almost done, waffs around, teasing the family of four. Bliss. Grandma is dead. […] Read more
