White House Accuses GOP of Interrupting Iranian Negotiations With Sousaphone Practice

(Above) Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark) practices Sousaphone during Iranian Negotiations with Congress In what the Obama administration called an unprecedented violation of proper diplomatic procedure, Senator Tom Cotton (R-Ark) began playing sousaphone feet away from the Oval Office entrance. Senate Republicans clarified that the young senator is merely practicing his instrumentality and developing a healthy appreciation for […] Read more

OBAMA HUMILIATED AGAIN

Just when you thought OBAMA couldn’t make another simple mistake, she’s done it again! Yes, it’s true Malia [middle-name unknown but presumedly HUSSIEN] OBAMA has botched a basic test. BOZO! This error, the latest blunder on her already shaky reign of terror since her time at Sidwell Middle School should surprise no one yet OBAMA […] Read more

Man Checks Watch for Time, Sees He Has No Arms

Sometimes, life throws humorous little twists for people. On Monday morning, that’s what happened to George Hopkins. “Oh shit, I wonder if I’m running late again,” said the Lincoln bank teller as he jogged haphazardly down the sidewalk towards the Wells Fargo where he worked. Hopkins has always lived a typical and largely uneventful life. […] Read more

Search for Schoolyard Bully Ends at Your Mom’s House

It was a tense three hours for the administration and staff at Henry Elementary School when third grade student Preston Johnson, the most prominent of the school’s many bullies, went missing. “I was worried, first and foremost, for the safety of my students,” Principal Donna Poppert said. “But I also wanted to ensure that the […] Read more

Loser Not Dipping Tobacco Thinks He Can Get Girls

Last weekend, guests at a house party in Lincoln witnessed a series of truly feeble attempts at seduction. Ian Jacobson, a junior finance major, arrived at the party after it was already in full swing. After a few beers, Jacobson proceeded to try to chat up girls with no dipping tobacco in or on his […] Read more

Master, Punish Me With Your Leathery Satire!

Oh, Master! I can see that cynical, nihilistic look in your eye. I can sense when every fiber of your being is taken over by the primal urge to satirize. I quiver at the thought of you snapping your belt before tightening it around your waist and typing lustful satire furiously. I bite my lip […] Read more

Wait Till You See What’s in My Private Email

Let me tell you, what Hillary Clinton has been hiding in her private email is nothing compared to the stuff I’ve got on my own server. I think a lot of the reason I get these emails is because I’m the vice president and people know I’m committed to helping others through my office. This […] Read more

Nebraska Panhandle Student Uses Restroom for First Time

“18 years of pissing outside is a wonderful way to grow up,” Curtis Gorbit said. Gorbit was raised on a farm in Chadron, Nebraska, where his piss was allowed “virtually anywhere.” He recently began the transition to using the restrooms on East Campus. “Little Curtis was meant to be free,” Gorbit said. “Now the only […] Read more

Introducing The DailyER’s Tinder Plus

It’s spring in Nebraska, the time of year to let your love life bloom along with the tulips. The DailyER is proud to introduce a revolutionary new app, The DailyER’s Tinder Plus. The app features a whole suite of tools to help you find like-minded singles close to you and tell them a terrible pick-up […] Read more

Title of ‘Science Guy’ to Replace ‘Ph.D’

A small committee ended its session in a smoky conference room in the Nebraska Union Heritage Room with a change in the doctorate program at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. “You know that Bill Nye? He’s a Science Guy, and here at Nebraska we’re graduating thousands of Science Guys,” said Committee head Scott Dixon. “But the […] Read more

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April 2015