The DailyER

October 2015

New Health Center Pizza Express Opens Doors to Sick, Hungry Student Body

Next month, students can expect a new University of Nebraska-Lincoln facility to revolutionize on-campus student health care. The Health Center Pizza Express (HCPX), opening its doors at the beginning of November for all current students, will offer a range of services from x-ray exams and STD testing to fast and affordable hot-and-ready pizza and breadsticks. […] Read more

Ben Carson performs emergency brain surgery to remove political weaknesses

While Donald Trump stole early headlines as the nonpolitican rising GOP star, Dr. Ben Carson has become an unassuming challenger to Trump’s title, rising over the early primary cycle to second place nationally. Many wonder how the political novice has managed to win over the country, but to Carson there’s no secret to his success: it’s simple science.

“After retiring from Johns Hopkins I soon grew bored of the limits my empathy and life experiences afforded me,” Carson said. “How could any 30-year veteran of brain surgery hope to excel politically? It was then that I realized the key was inside my noggin all along.”

Carson revealed that he began with simple neural tinkering, but soon advanced to full-blown self hemisphere separation. Operating with only a shaving mirror and a Swiss Army knife, Carson has been able to radically alter his own brain chemistry and leave only the most salient portions for early voters.

“The impoverished Detroit childhood? Yeah that stays, they really seem to like it. Makes me a ‘real black’ candidate. But those things I apparently said about gun control and fetal tissue research before the election cycle? You know that’s gray matter’s getting washed down the sink.”

Some worry that Carson could face a similar critique that Mitt Romney faced in 2012, blatantly shifting his political beliefs and backstory to make naked appeals to a core audience. Many GOP voters disagree with this assessment.

“Sure Mitt changed his views on issues, but you could always tell he remembered supporting health care expansion or gun control,” said Des Moines voter Jefferson Huxley. “When I look in Dr. Carson’s eyes, I see a man who cares so deeply about being accepted by a primary audience that he’s willing to cut the empathy out of his cranium. This is truly a man after Reagan’s heart.”

Carson assured crowds that they should not be alarmed if they notice minor brain case leakage during an onstage performance as this is to be expected after any major invasive surgery.

“As the old expression goes, pain is weakness leaving the body. Of course, I don’t know how much this hurts since the brain doesn’t have pain receptors but I assume it’d be excruciating. If that adage holds true, I will be 100% limitless by Iowa.”

Sanders appeals to millennials by defending pop punk

Democratic Presidential Candidate Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) took the country by storm when he announced his presidential bid in May. He’s appealed to millennials with his involvement in the Civil Rights Movement, support of the LGBTQA community and disgust with the billionaire class. Recently, Sanders announced another movement that has his support: pop punk.

The genre’s popularity started to decline in 2006 but has been making a comeback in recent years, which has caught Sanders’ eye.

“I voted against the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan because we had a bigger war back at home that needed our support,” Sanders said about defending pop punk.

“I see this as a genre that people enjoy because it goes against a lot of the norms. It reminds me of how I’m fighting against the politicians in Washington,” Sanders said.

While Democratic opponent Hillary Clinton is trying to appeal to the youth by appearing on “Saturday Night Live” and whipping the nae nae on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show,” Sanders has less embarrassing plans.
“This upcoming summer, I will join the famous Vans Warped Tour and give out speeches between sets,” Sanders said.
“If elected president, I will talk with Little Caesars to serve free pizza on Sundays to anyone wearing a flannel shirt,” Sanders said. On the campaign trail, Sanders will now wear band T-shirts accompanied with a flannel shirt instead of his signature blue button-up.

The “Defend Pop Punk” T-shirts are now available for purchase on Sanders’ website.

Joe McManus, frontman of pop punk band Throwback Wonder, has expressed his support for Sanders.

“Just like the roads in our hometown, the government is full of potholes that need to be filled up,” McManus said. “If he supports and understands pop punk, unlike my parents, then he’s got my vote.”

Is The Rec Center Really A Good Place To Raise Your Family?

In a city plagued by hulking sweaty beefcakes, there is one area in Lincoln where the juiced up muscle heads make up the entirety of the population: the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s Campus Recreation Center.

Traversing this traitorous terrain, one will find brutes lumbering from contraption to contraption, lifting, stretching and grunting for no apparent reason. This amalgamation of noise and stench amounts to what one can only describe as pure and utter chaos, which begs the question: is the Rec Center really a good place to raise a family?

Disregarding the group of innumerable chiseled titans perpetually stomping and screaming about the premises, one would be shocked to find that there are no suitable living areas for a family of any size at the Rec center. There isn’t a single bed, sofa, kitchen table or cupboard for your mom’s tchotchkes. Where is a child supposed to sleep? On top of one of those benches caked in sweat, dirt, and staphylococcus? Please, a child would sleep more soundly on the hard cold concrete sidewalk outside of the courthouse than on that filthy thing.

Another aspect of the Rec Center that insults its claim to being a respectable and safe area for raising a family is the gaping portal to the ethereal plane inside locker 487 in the men’s locker room. This interdimensional gate has recently let loose monsters of indescribable horror, who have been spotted playing racquet ball with each other and kidnapping small children to bring back to their world.

The monsters allegedly have hydrochloric acid saliva that can melt through most surfaces in the Rec. However, these hellish devil spawn pale in comparison to the sheer brutality of the common muscle jockey’s body odor. One should be much more fearful of the run-of-the-mill Rec resident than these extradimensional mutants.

The Rec simply cannot be considered safe and is by far the worst place to raise your family in the entire Lincoln area. Best stick to neighborhoods, Lincolnites.