Winter time is coming up, meaning cold weather and snow are on their way.  Don’t let winter chills get you down: here are five surefire ways to keep warm this winter.

5. Influenza type A H1N1

This cutie is sure to keep you warm this winter.  It’ll give you the swine flu and send your temperature through the roof!  It’s hard to find these days, but it was very popular back in 2009.

4. Clostridium botulinum

If you can’t find your gloves this winter, don’t worry!  Look around your grandma’s cabinets for the oldest, most dented can of food you can find.  Hopefully this little guy will be swimming around in there.  You won’t have to worry about your hands being cold when you lose all feeling in your limbs!

3. Salmonella enterica

Ever wonder why your dogs always like to drink water out of the toilet!  It’s probably because they’re cold, turn the heat up!  If you want to save some money on your heating bills, drink some water out of the toilet after your grandma uses it, and hopefully this cool little fellow will give you typhoid fever! You’ll never feel cold for the rest of your life.

2. Plasmodium vivax

You’ll have to plan ahead if you want to cuddle up with this guy to stay warm in the winter.  He only hangs out with mosquitoes, so you’ll have to find him while they’re still around.  If you’re lucky you’ll get malaria and you will be begging for the cold weather to begin.  Plus, it’ll make your skin a trendy yellow color!

1. Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever

You’ve probably already heard of the best way to stay warm this winter.  It’s very popular over in Africa and it’s quickly gaining popularity in the United States.  Don’t worry about finding it, just go about your daily life and it will find you soon enough!