In what turned into absolute carnage among chess-playing intellectuals on Saturday, eyewitnesses described the violence that ensued during the world’s first full-contact chess tournament.

“There were some unspeakable things that happened at that tournament,” said paramedic Terry Shroedecker. “My God, the things people do in the name of sport. I’ll never understand it.”

Accounts of the event included reports of busted kneecaps from fierce table-flipping, checkmates that involved literally checking people into concrete walls and chess pieces getting stuck in the most unholy of orifices.

“I never knew a rook could fit into a [redacted] like that,” said chess enthusiast Tyrone Walsh. “Not sure how they’re going to sit down for the next few weeks.”

The scene could only be compared to gladiator matches of ancient Rome, with displays of pure survival and adrenaline permeating the electric atmosphere as thousands cheered on players attempting to strategize their way to god-like glory. Things got extremely chaotic, however, when the lions were released.

“No one told me there’d be lions,” said an out-of-breath competitor who was eaten before his name could be given.

Tournament winner Delilah Sterling successfully managed to survive the brutality of all 78 competitors, finishing in 3 days, 29 minutes and 37 seconds.

“This one dude tried to take out my knight with a pawn, but he forgot that my left hook was still in play,” she said. “Poor bastards must’ve grown up playing non-contact chess like a bunch of cupcakes.”