So, uhh, I’ve been laying in bed with my “Mr. Sean Hannity blow-up conservabuddy” for the past three and a half hours, and I’ve gotta say, I’m unimpressed.
The instructions clearly say to lather the mouth area with a generous amount of “Foxy Lad’s butter gush super lube” (which needless to say, was not included in my $300 purchase) for an, and I quote, “Exceptional hummer experience.” Yet, all I’ve gotten so far is a dry, sandpapery cock sock of a bad time.
Then when I finally decided to give myself a break from my incessant pelvic thrusting and place my conservabuddy atop my now chafed nether region, I came to realize this thing weighed like 200 pounds. You’d think with all the hot air I was recommended to fill it with, it’d be a little lighter on its feet. But nope. Apparently, the hot air’s sole purpose was to just stretch out it’s stiff, cold, lifeless and what I can only assume to be silicon shell.
To say the least, I was not enjoying my experience with my replica of Fox News’ hottest hunk. But I figured to heck with it, I already lugged my conservabuddy’s amorphic husk to the landing strip, the lights were flashing and it was time to bring that sucker in for a landing.
Then it happened. After not one, not two, but three head bobs in, I heard it. A sound that sent shivers down my spine: a cough. Oh no. What have I done? Was this shell of a man alive – no – was it actually him? Was the decrepit, ramshackle of a man lying stiffly atop my bed and me actually Sean Hannity?
And as all of these questions swirled around in my distraught mind, he slowly arched his neck, turned his head up to me and said the exact words that made me schlep him back into his box and send him back to New York: “In less than one week, Obama managed to take opportunities to rise above politics and bring this nation together and instead he squandered them. He did it with his remarks on Trayvon Martin and race and he did it with his remarks on the middle class and opportunity … He ran as a uniter and yet his presidency will be defined by division.”
*For whomever’s editing this, I’m sorry and I know*
