Matthew Pickett, author of several volumes of the universally acclaimed series of reference books entitled “Popular Belief”, levied several complaints in this week’s press conference concerning the public outcry to illegitamize the theories presented throughout his body of work. The wealth of information offered in these volumes outlines issues regarding everything from “how many pounds of spiders a human eats in their sleep” to “how much our deadbeat president has really gotten done in two years.”

“I’d like to think of my books as an encyclopedia of what ‘they’ say, you know? Sometimes I just hunker down next to a group of hip 30-somethings at the local Starbucks, donning a cock rag and some flannel, and record everything they say,” Pickett said.

This argumentative fuel, provided by Pickett’s “Popular Belief”, is now used by the great majority of Americans on the comment sections of YouTube videos and is spouted by the great people of New York during the “Jaywalking” segment on The Late Show. Real facts-based research is not a part of the equation, and that’s where the informed public is starting to intervene.

Paul Caster, a Wall Street marketing analyst, provides an example of what’s bothering Pickett so much. “Contrary to ‘Popular Belief’, Steve Jobs DOES sacrifice baby sea turtles to manufacture the wax used to give his products their shine,” Caster said.

If the rejection of these long-revered ideas goes global, Pickett may be looking at some serious consequences, including harboring the brunt of the blame for why Americans are so goddamn ignorant.