Hey there fellow lawbreakers! We all know drugs aren’t the easiest thing to come by nowadays and that good dealers are hard to find. It’s a never-ending cycle. You find a reliable guy and all of a sudden he’s sketch as hell. It starts innocently with your calls not being returned, and before long he “accidently” gives you angel dust and you find yourself on the losing end of a fight with your TV set. Soon you’ll move on the next guy, but he’s slow as hell and never shuts up about legalization and the positive benefits marijuana offers to society. Did you know hemp is the cheapest textile on the market? So before you pay that high school kid in cigarettes, take a moment to call a professional.

The name’s Phillip. I’ve been distributing narcotics around every corner of campus since the days of Bob Marley, god rest his soul.  Class A, B, or C, I’m the guy you need.

Ring me up day or night. You can leave your name and NUID with my receptionist. I’d prefer to meet at the 17th and R parking garage but I can be anywhere on campus within ten minutes. Feel free to bring any of your buddies fiending for some dope as well!

Don’t worry, I’ve got all the drugs you need—whether they’re opiates, amphetamines, prescriptions or speed. Looking for alcohol for you and your underage friends? I can deliver to any house party or dorm room in just minutes!

Since I’m always striving for the cheapest prices on campus, I’d really appreciated the phone numbers of any other dealers you may know. I’d love to grab some coffee or doughnuts with them—you know, to compare prices.

Stay cool, University of Nebraska students!