by Carl, the NSA Surveillance Worker

Hey dude, got a minute to talk? Cool. This may sound weird, because you don’t know me, but I sure do know a lot about you. In fact, you could say it’s my job to know a lot about you, haha! Well, if you haven’t guessed it already, it’s me, Carl, your friendly neighborhood NSA surveillance worker! Heard of us? I’m sure you have. We’re the ones that keep you safe from all those nasty bad guys who wanna harm innocent people or download MP3s by monitoring your intimate and personal conversations with others. Now I know you might be thinking “Well that’s rude” or “Could you not?”, but rest assured we have the most noble of intentions! In fact, the reason I’m talking to you is because, damn dude, you need to leave Jessica alone.

Now, I get that she’s the first girl to make eye contact with you in God knows how long and she’s the only one for you and blah blah blah, but come on man, can’t you tell she’s not into it? All those long, passionate, poetic texts that remain unanswered, the frequent SnapChats that remain unopened, and the Facebook chats that remain unseen, can’t you connect the dots? And if you think its just because there is something wrong with her phone or her internet connection, which I know for a fact is what you believe because you texted that to Adam just yesterday, then you’re in for a rude awakening. She’s receiving them, alright. I don’t even want to tell you what she says about them in her phone calls with her mother, but it’s pretty brutal, so you might wanna ease the throttle on this one.

But it doesn’t end with Jessica, does it? Don’t lie to me, we both know what’s been going on here. You expect me to act like I didn’t see that late night text you sent Jessica’s roommate Caitlin? Once again, it’s my job to see these things. And so much for being a classy guy, huh? No wonder Jessica avoids you, because Caitlin totally forwarded that text to Jessica, and Jessica forwarded it to everyone in her phone, and then she called Amanda and they laughed about it for literally thirty minutes. Seriously, I’m not joking. Thirty straight minutes of laughter. I had to mute my ear piece because of how annoying Amanda’s laugh is. Interestingly enough, they’ve even started this Tumblr blog devoted entirely to these creepy texts you send. It’s actually kind of neat, because they post this picture of the text you sent and they make these hilarious captions using parts of the text and…well…you get the idea. And yes, I’m aware that you googled “How to not be lonely” a few hours earlier on that same day, but lets maybe try to creep out one girl at a time, okay?

Well, I think that’s all I have to say right now. Spying on innocent people is rough work and it’s starting to wear on me. But hey, if all it takes to help out one pathetic, sad dude is to invade the privacy of thousands of respectable citizens, well, that’s just alright with me. It may be awhile before you hear from me again, but just know I’ll always be here, an ever vigilant eye in the sky. Take care, my friend.