In the highly sexualized society in which we live, one must always take the initiative to protect themselves from harm.

As new STIs are being discovered on a daily basis, sophomore biological systems engineering major Jeremy Parch questions the effectiveness of conventional condoms and contraceptives.

“I’ve heard some horror stories,” said Parch. “I knew a guy who came down with a hybrid venereal disease, it was called gonnaherpacyphilitius and it rotted his genitals clean off.”

Instead of being stricken with a life threatening disease, or even worse, becoming a father, Parch has decided to err on the side of caution. Parch has chosen to abstain from sexual intercourse, although he totally would do it if any ladies wanted to.

“It’s not the preferred option, but it’s certainly the most effective form of protection,” said Parch.

Parch’s roommate Chance Sharpe spoke of Parch’s method of avoiding female interaction.

“Instead of actively being on the prowl for girls, Jeremy usually just whines about how nice guys finish last and that girls are only attracted to douchebags,” said Sharpe. “At the pace he’s going he’s never going to have to worry about genital warts or anything nasty like that.”

Parch’s tried and true method of keeping temptations at bay has worked flawlessly since its implementation.

“It’s pretty easy to stay safe, I just go about my day as normal,” said Parch. “I don’t bother girls and they don’t bother me.”

“But I wish they would.”