University of Nebraska-Lincoln Chancellor Harvey Perlman has a bold new plan to increase enrollment.
“A lot of people have been asking me ‘what’s next,’ in regards to UNL enrollment,” Perlman said.
“Well I am excited to announce that if my population growth data is accurate, we will be able to achieve our ambitious enrollment goal of 30 million students in roughly 300 years.”
This goal follows the announcement that the previous fall semester was the largest freshmen class on record, and the storied university’s latest triumph.
Critics are casting their doubts, however, saying enrollment data suggests there is no way in hell UNL could even hook 30 thousand students by 2020, let alone rival Venezuela in population by the 24th century.
“Yes, this plan does require our student body to increase by at least 100 thousand students a year for the next 300 years,” Perlman said.
“But, between climate change, rising sea levels, and a rapidly approaching population explosion, we might actually be able to pull this off.”
UNL Admissions Director Amber Williams called the plan positive, ambitious, and a great way for UNL to maintain its credibility in the globalized, take-no-prisoners atmosphere of 24th century academics.
“The future is now, people, and we need a way to differentiate ourselves from the other Big Ten schools,” Williams said in a press release.
UNL students may have noticed the school’s effort increase enrollment by introducing modern innovations, such as Subway Pizza Express, tuition increases and the very successful adjunct professor program.
“SPX is just the beginning,” Perlman said.
“By 2120, we’ll have a Chipotle Hamburger Commissary in each of UNL’s hundreds of dining sectors, and the Robert E. Knoll Residential Center will stretch from where it is now to Omaha,” he said.
Deans, associate deans and department chairmen expressed concern that the process was speeding along too quickly, and that UNL could not possibly sustain that many students without serious adjustments to the university’s current business model.
“We’ll have to raise the lost room key fee to $5,000, and that’s just to pay for the North Bottoms Parking District we’re building in 2035,” UNL financial officials reported in a separate press release.
The biggest enrollment draw, Perlman said, would be the 300-million-seat flying football superstadium, ‘Memorial Citadel,’ which is scheduled to be completed and fully operational by 2290.
To cope with such a massive student population, UNL officials announced a separate plan to increase tenured faculty by 10 percent over the next 1000 years.
