Spectators swooned with delight yesterday morning on Aldersgate Street after seeing what many claimed to be ‘absolutely adorable:’ An unidentified British man wielding a baton and dedicatedly playing pretend policeman.
“It’s a little odd, sure, seeing an adult with a shoddy little stick, which is probably made out of plastic, goofing off and pretending to be a law enforcement official,” said pedestrian Kate Wells. “But, come on…look at the guy. He’s somehow reached his inner child and embraced it. To do that in public and still legitimately act all serious and protecting is just precious.”
Throughout the day, witnesses stated that this delightful young-at-heart man continued his fun little activity for hours, where he would huff and puff on his novelty whistle when people were not crossing the street at the right time and write endearingly fake speeding tickets when he was being a good boy and stopping those bad men from speeding. When confronting people, the adowavle wittle guy tapped or waved his stick around with playful menace, as if it were a legitimate threat and could stop crime.
“Only someone truly darling and spirited could give such an overacted and whimsical performance,” noted area man Thomas Shaws.
However, some were taken aback by this enchanting soul’s game of pretend, believing that his mental stability must be questionable and or failing.
“Sure, this may seem like a harmless and fun activity, but the people need to remember that this is a full-grown man here, in the street, behaving as if his sole duty is to enforce codes of conduct and use that miniscule rolling-pin looking device as a means of self defense,” said observing psychiatrist Edward Bodiger. “I think he might actually be suffering from a serious delusion where he is truly a police officer. With that, his psyche must be severely damaged if he’s convinced that that baton can really crack down on criminals and keep the streets safe.”
The unknown man of adolescent wonder was last seen trying really, really hard to look like a crimefighter as he pretended to chase down a band of robbers who just stole a woman’s purse while simultaneously thrashed his little toy wildly in front of him. While the toy make-believe touched one robber, London’s newest and cutest hero tuckered out from his playtime, where he stopped chasing after criminals, left it to the big boys, and probably went home to take a short nap.
