Residents of the Abel and Sandoz resident halls thought that their endless torture was finally over when they received their regular plates and silverware after being forced to eat off styrofoam trays and use plastic forks for almost a week. But, it turned out that their suffering was just beginning.

The Abel/Sandoz Dining Hall announced their plans to degrade students even further by forcing them to eat their food off of the ground like “the human filth they are.”

Ms. Mildred Fromwick, the new dining hall director, made the decision. Fromwick traveled from her home in South Yorkshire, England to take the job this fall. Since taking the position, Fromwick has enforced strict disciplinary action on the campus.

“You see, you really have to teach these children is who’s in charge,” Fromwick said, stroking her whip, which she carries at her side at all times. “There’s nuffin’ like a good slap on the ‘ead to show ‘em who’s boss.”

When entering the dining hall, students will be forced to crawl on their hands and knees towards a large chute protruding from the ceiling. A giant horn will blow, allowing masses of food to fall from the ceiling.

Fromwick hopes this will “put these ankle-biters in their place.”

“They’re nuffin’ but ungrateful swine, they are,” Fromwick said. “They’ll learn. They always do.”

Other workers have expressed their concern over the new decision.

“I mean, it seems kinda messed up,”  said Trevor Johnson, a UNL student who works in the dining hall. “But it’s less work for me. So whatever.”

In addition to the meals, Fromwick’s appearance has also raised issues amongst the staff.

“She treats these students as if they were in elementary school,”  said Jane Klein, one of the head chefs. “Come to think of it, I’m not even sure if she knows she’s working at a college.”

There was also concern over how some of the meals would be delivered.

“The first breakfast was a disaster,” Johnson said. “There was milk pouring down, and syrup and biscuits. It was intense. But I guess they’ll have to deal with it.”
When interviewed, most students seemed to accept their fate for receiving their three meals a day in this manner. A smaller number of students claimed that “walking to a different cafeteria” seemed to solve the problem.