Quite apart from being Second-in-command to the Big Red button, it’s really not bragging to say I’m also an expert in a lot of other stuff. I’ve ridden a lot of trains in my day, for instance. And nothing can really compare with the feeling of sharing one magical, long, lonely ride from DC to Jersey, with just a very specific female senator for company. We laughed, we cried, and then we played a game I like to call “Riding Joe’s G-Train to New Haven.”

I’m lead to understand that the University of Nebraska is facing a similar problem to the one I encountered after that fateful trip. Infestations, whether in the beds of freshmen or in the nether regions of the Vice President of seduction, are a sad reality given the lifestyles we live. All hope is not lost, however. Take it from me: nature’s most unfortunate prize can be cured, and I’m just the man to tell you how.

You’ve got to locate the source of the problem and confront it. Make sure it doesn’t tell your wife, firstly. That wouldn’t be good for anyone. Second, be sure to go to the clinic a few miles down the road from Pennsylvania Avenue. They don’t ask questions, and they take cash. A few laser treatments, a week of mild antibiotics and BAM! America’s first Ambassador to Women is back in business, better than ever.

While the bugs Nebraska’s facing are a bit different, I’m told, the process for getting rid of them can’t be that far off. You’ve just got to cut it off at the spring of life, as it were. Maybe it’s the new boyfriend that Delta girl’s been bringing around, or maybe one of the Literature professors passed a bit too close to me when I was giving the keynote speech at a conference a few weeks back. Whatever the source, I recommend working with Middle Eastern intelligence agencies to get rid of it. The CIA asks too many questions. I’d check with Israel first.

Next, you’ve got to pay cash to have it cleared up. No paper trail, no awkward questions from football recruits, and most importantly, the man upstairs never has to know. It never does any good to upset the Athletic director and/or President, as I’ve found he can “restrict” your access to the women’s rowing team.

Just follow my advice, and the University will be set. No more bugs, no more worry. Now, if you need help clearing up anything else, I recommend giving a certain former Speaker of the House a call. Just tell her Big Joe sent you, she’ll know exactly what you mean.