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Alabama secures top spot of 2031 recruiting class with eugenics program

The University of Alabama football program will once again continue their reign of having the top recruiting class in the nation. Rivals unleashed their rankings for the top NCAA football recruiting classes with Alabama sitting at the top. With a new announcement from Alabama head coach, Nick Saban, it’s safe to say that the team has already secured the top spot in 2031.

“We’ve been playing around in our genetics labs here on campus to see what makes the ultimate athlete,” Saban told reporters. “Once we found out what exactly it was, well, we decided to go out and make us some athletes.”

Eugenics is defined as the practice of improving the genetic quality of the human population. While some terrible, evil people have used eugenics as a way to “purify” the world, like Hitler, Nick Saban at Alabama just wishes for his regime to continue winning.

“It’s an opportunity for us to utilize science to win football games. That’s what it’s all about. Henry Ford mass-produced cars, I’m going to mass-produce some football players,” said Saban of his morally questionable recruiting program.

The head coach also went on to say that this will save time having to go out on the road and woo athletes. All the travelling he has to do now is from the football field to the genetics lab where his 2031 recruiting prospects are already cooking in test tubes.

While other programs have yet to start research on eugenics in football, you can expect other SEC programs and the rest of the NCAA will follow suit.

“It’s a great way to level the playing field by making the programs with the most money and resources way better than everyone else until smaller programs can muster up a formula that can compete,” Coach Saban said.

When asked if he would soon implement a similar eugenics program, Bo Pelini actually said that there has been one in the works for a while.

“We’ve been trying to make the perfect walk-on for a few years now,” Coach Pelini said. “We just can’t figure out the right combination of height, pastiness, and submissiveness. It’s an art, really.”