Erik Mellgren is in an abusive relationship. For five years now, he has been beaten, battered, and abused. His mistress? Cornhusker Men’s Basketball.

“All I’ve wanted for these long five years is for the pain to stop,” a sobbing Mellgren said. “How can they continue to string me along like this? I just want some consistency! I don’t even want love!”

Mellgren is, of course, referring to the incredibly inconsistent play of the team. Mere days after beating #2 Texas, the team was humiliated in a loss to unranked Kansas State.

This, combined with stunning and embarrassing losses to Colorado and Iowa State, has pushed the team out of the NCAA tournament, which the team hasn’t made since 1998.

“All I want,” Mellgren said, “was something to make all the pain worthwhile. We don’t need to cuddle after intercourse, or even look each other in the eye. I just want the chance to lose to Duke or Ohio State in the first round..”

Doc Sadler, Cornhusker Men’s coach, is unapologetic for the team’s struggles.

“Shit happens,” said the coach. “We’re not trying to break his heart, but frankly, he should be used to it. It’s his fault he keeps coming back. But whatever, the hitting is out of love.”

Mellgren, for his part, is not ready to blame the team for his condition.

“I’m in this relationship, and I’m a committed guy, but it’s hard. It’s a constant struggle against myself,” Mellgren said. “I know that I should just choose a team with consistency. Even a team that consistently sucks would be better than this bitter, uncontrolled lust of emotions.”

Mellgren then began weeping uncontrollably like a child while Husker guard Lance Jeter bounced a basketball off his stomach, likely rupturing several vital organs.