“No, you’re not seeing the problem from the right angle! You have to crack this nut, you buffoon!” shrieked 6-year-old squirrel Arnold Grassworth, born somewhere near Love Library, as he helped a confused freshman in the physics resource center in Jorgensen Hall.
Arnold’s story is one of constant struggle and woe. Everyone told him he would never be able to learn how to speak English, let alone attend his dream school at the University of Southern California, yet he has defied all expectations. He has become an excellent student of particle and high energy physics and now attends the University of Nebraska-Lincoln as a grad student.
Dr. Kravchenko, professor of the gifted freshman physics course PHYS 211, was at first reluctant to take such an admittedly unusual teaching assistant under his wing, however, soon he found it impossible to deny Grassworth’s dedication and professionalism.
“Arnold always shows up right on time and is prepared for the day’s work. He even has an amazing sense of fashion to boot!” Kravchenko said. “Honestly, I think he’s the only one of my TAs who has even managed to get a date.”
Unknown to Dr. Kravchenko, Grassworth actually has had many relationships and currently takes care of around 15 children as a single dad.
But Grassworth’s meteoric rise has rubbed some people the wrong way. Especially some freshman who have come to the physics resource center desperately seeking answers, only to find no one there. Freshman mechanical engineering student, Jared Wrightsman, is one of the most outspoken.
“Come on man!” Wrightsman exclaimed. “The chemistry resource center is a whole compound with study rooms, computers and TAs to help you all the time. What the hell is the physics room?! It’s just a tiny room with a table and some chairs but no one inside!”
Grassworth, however, has insisted he’s never missed a shift at the resource center. Still, the criticism continued.
“15 kids? Jesus Christ, I’m beginning to regret taking this guy, he’s only got like two years left in his lifespan right?” Dr. Kravchenko said when he learned of Grassworth’s vast family line.
An anonymous source inside the physics faculty attempted to defend Grassworth, saying: “Arnold is like, always there, you guys just can’t notice him behind the chair because, I still can’t believe I’m saying this, he’s a squirrel.”