Despite an expected multi-billion dollar loss, the United States government announced Monday its intent to recall nearly 10 million citizens who were foolish enough to purchase Toyota vehicles.
The announcement came after it was revealed in late January that there were in fact, American citizens dumb enough to purchase a Toyota Prius or Camry.
Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood is in charge of overseeing the recall, which will involve the immediate “impounding, packaging and elimination of the dangerous fools who made such near-sighted purchases,” according to the press release.
“We just can’t have this happening again, which is why we’re taking this drastic measure,” LaHood said. “The people who purchase Toyotas are a danger not only to themselves, but to others. What if their children are inspired to purchase one when they can drive? It’s a risk we can’t take.”
The recall is expected to cost the U.S. government anywhere from $3 to $4 billion.
Consumer advocate and “proud owner, gosh darnit” of a blue 2007 Prius, Jessica Doyle was the first to criticize the decision. Her organization has pledged to sue the government for unspecified damages.
“They can’t take me away, not again!” Doyle said, as three men in dark suits handcuffed her and threw her into the back of an unmarked van. “They’re just trying to hide the truth fro–”
Despite a few dissenters, the government is optimistic that the program will be well received by Americans.
Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary, said President Barack Obama is in favor of the recall.
“President Obama knows as well as anyone how stupid these people are,” Gibbs said, glancing down at his hand for notes. “Now if only we could do the same thing to everyone in Texas…”
