Sophomore Zeke Trexel is hungry as fuck. His stomach is rumbling from missing breakfast as he sits in his intro to anthropology course. The very excited professor is going on and on about monkeys, and all Zeke can think about is how delicious their meat must be. As he’s fantasizing about which marinade would go best with gibbon, he remembers: he has a blueberry poptart in his backpack. He looks to the student six feet to his left, he looks to the student six feet to his right, he looks to the student six feet behind him, and you get the point. 

Zeke fished the foil out of the pocket, the holy grail at this point. The notorious crinkling sounds, and the girl six feet ahead of him (she has one of those tiny backpacks) shoots him a glare. Zeke quietly tears open the package, and the sprinkles scatter over his notes, which consist of “Jane Goodall is kinda hot.” 

Hand trembling, the hangry student breaks off a piece of the poptart and brings it to his mouth. The frosted goodness hits his mask. “Idiot!” he whispers loudly. 

At this point, the professor says, as reported by Trexel, “You’re absolutely right, Zach! This monkey is an idiot because it looks in the mirror and cannot recognize itself. Great observation!” The DailyER doubts that this is verbatim. 

During his freshman year, Zeke was able to snack beyond his wildest imagination during lectures. He even carried bread, peanut butter, and jelly around in his backpack for emergencies. 

However, at this moment, Zeke is lost and his stomach is almost getting out of the mood. He has only one option, and it involves treating his butthole like a toaster. The nutrients will find their way, he thinks.