By Teenager

Okay, so I was flipping through channels on the tube the other day and these commercials were just ridiculous; like I literally could not even. First, I had to deal with the chick trying to sell me insurance who’s more hyped than an entire caffeine-fueled kindergarten class.  

Now these anti-smoking ads? I mean, what the hell?  At first it was just an annoying background noise but it started tripping me out. There was more obnoxious orange on my screen than at a spray tan booth on the Jersey shore. You couldn’t pick something more chill like green or blue? Or were those not “trendy” enough for millennials?  It really harshed my mellow.

I can’t even describe how much I wish I’d never heard that music. It’s like dubstep and Charlie’s voice from “Always Sunny” had a lovechild. Who’s their target audience even? The hearing impaired? That’s the only way their ads would be remotely effective, and last time I checked cigarettes damaged your lungs, not your ears.

Another thing: do they really think all young people dress like they’re in a frat from Baz Luhrmann’s “Romeo +Juliet?” I don’t know about you, but I’ve never woken up one day and thought, “Man, I’m gonna randomly throw on all my worst clothes from Old Navy and dress like I hate myself.” Literally no one my age dresses like that. Anyone wearing those jankity shorts and the, “I yell at my girlfriend in public” bro-tanks would be a highly excluded outcast where I’m from, much like satirical newspaper writers.

All in all this stuff is super wack; they’re just trying to turn everything into a meme and now I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Like, I know how bad smoking can be for your health but dude, the smokers in the commercials look way less stressed than I am about this.  Thanks for telling me that 60 minutes of smoking a hookah is the equivalent of smoking 100 cigarettes, that’ll save me time when I’m trying to de-stress from seeing your wonky-ass commercials.