After a disappointing slide in performance landed the New York Giants out of the playoffs, Archie Manning, famous New Orleans Saints quarterback and father of Giants quarterback Eli Manning, has demanded a DNA test for his youngest son.

The Giants’ typical November slump may have doomed them more than in past years, as the team was unable to rally late in the season to clinch the NFC East division. Their crushing shutout by the Atlanta Falcons in mid-December spelled disaster for the franchise, and the Giants were unable to edge out the Redskins and Cowboys for a playoff berth. Following a slew of embarrassing defeats and ugly victories, Archie was pressed into making the odd request for a formal paternity test.

At the conclusion of the Giants’ post-season interviews, Archie Manning made his way up to the microphone through the cluster of reporters and made the announcement.

“There’s just no way he’s my real son,” Archie told the news outlets. “[Middle son] Peyton agrees. Someone has kidnapped the real Eli, taken his identity, and started playing some seriously awful football.”

The Manning patriarch posed an interesting dilemma: according to professional football analysts and statistics experts at the Elias Sports Bureau, a Manning has never dipped below a four on the Infuriatingly Frustrating Scale. They also note that even following a series of four neck surgeries in the offseason and a change of teams away from the championship-contending Indianapolis Colts, Peyton was able to return to bring the Broncos all the way to the number one seed in the AFC.

“Something is fishy here with Eli,” Archie quipped. “I think the general public would agree that this mouth-breathing numbskull couldn’t possibly be a Manning.”
When asked about his reaction to a potential positive result on the proposed DNA test, Archie stared viciously at the reporter until the journalist admitted it was a ludicrous question and was escorted from the press conference.