As of Friday evening, reports surfaced that area man “Jim Crowley” no longer has any desire to be in the company of his shallow, two-faced ex girlfriend Rachel Hunt. The news comes after several months in which “Jim” felt hollow and worthless, however he now realizes he is better off without that lying skank.

Citing bullshit reasons, Rachel dumped “Jim” after a three month dating period that actually felt like an eternity in heaven, in which “Jim” treated her to a plethora of wonderful and unappreciated dates, where he spent entirely too much money on someone so vapid. Rachel was later quoted as saying she and “Jim” were better off as “just friends,” however most pundits agree that Rachel is just a total bitch.

Ever since “Jim” realized Rachel’s true identity as a cold-blooded succubus whose black hole of a heart consumes all that is joyful and good in the world, “Jim” resolved to move on with his exciting and prosperous life, engaging in casual intercourse with a great number of beautiful and exotic women on almost a nightly basis.

Despite “Jim’s” extremely small desire for reconciliation, he is willing to offer Rachel the opportunity to beg for forgiveness, offering to meet for coffee or dinner or actually, “Jim” has a few tickets to that Shakespeare play next weekend if Rachel is interested. “Jim” later added that he found one of Rachel’s old sweaters in his closet and it still smelled like her and reminded him of that picnic at sunset they had early in the summer, not that it really means anything to him though.

Regardless of whether or not Rachel would like to accept such a great offer, “Jim” plans to carry on with his exciting life as normal, knowing he is better off without that vain, dishonest, tanned brunette with gorgeous dark brown eyes and the most perfect smile and a laugh that sounds like a chorus of angels.

Oh God Rachel please come back.