Ah! What a fuck man! No way is this guy this good! What’s his gamertag? American_Sniper? I’m going to report him he must be using an aimbot. This dude is literally only getting headshots! Fucking noob, he’s probably some sweaty fat bitch in his parent’s basement. What’s his killstreak? Holy shit he’s at 160, with […] Read more
The tour guide leading a group of Red Letter Day prospective students almost stopped to show them Andrews Hall, but realized his mistake and moved on. “Over here we have Morrill Hall, home to the Museum of Natural History,” said Bill Jackson, who’s been leading student tours since fall 2013, “and right there is Andrews […] Read more
It has been a long couple of weeks for sophomore Stephen Daniels. Since the release of “American Sniper”, the patriotic general studies major has been constantly fighting back criticism of his hero, Chris Kyle. The storm of criticism surrounding the Clint Eastwood production has been “disheartening”, Daniels admits. “It’s really hard to understand how someone […] Read more
1) How vulnerable you are No matter where, no matter when, I am waiting, I am ready. 2) How begging for mercy will not help you The contract has been signed, and I must show you the way to hell. 3) How it will only take seven pounds of force to completely snap […] Read more
Following an entire decade of silence, area man Adam McKenna did the unthinkable: he made good on his promise to text his friend from freshman year in the dorms, a feat not even he believed would happen. “Hey man! We still gotta chill sometime like we were talking about!” McKenna said in a text to […] Read more
In a landmark decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled on four pending gay marriage suits this Tuesday, declaring that marriage is only constitutionally defined between six male and three female Supreme Court justices. Same-sex couples and heterosexual couples around the nation expressed outrage as their marriages were immediately made legally invalid by the ruling. […] Read more
As of 4 A.M. Thursday morning the Lincoln Police Department and campus police issued an arrest warrant for freshman general studies major Zach Jorgensen after violating the terms of his academic probation. Officials have since launched a citywide manhunt for the suspect and continue to sweep the streets for the underachieving fugitive. According to the […] Read more
After hearing the news of the Cannabis Compassion and Care Act passing to the left hand side of the Unicameral floor in the Nebraska Capitol last week, sophomore Travis Hanson sparked the idea to start a petition to gain more support for the medical marijuana bill. After eating the best breakfast he swears he has […] Read more
A stream of rust-colored bodily fluid collides with the bleach white urinal affixed to the wall of the City Campus Union men’s bathroom as sophomore business major Derek Collins releases a deep, aggravated sigh. He intends to elicit the attention of his newly acquainted group project partner Brady Williams who is positioned at the next […] Read more
“Damn zipper’s getting cau-aaagghhh,” were the last words that sophomore finance major Jerry Lee said before his jacket’s zipper caught his entire jaw. It all started when Lee wanted to go for a jog Monday morning. Of course, before any jog, he needed two things: a chance to talk to his roommates about how awesome […] Read more
