In an unexpected announcement this Wednesday, United Airlines stated that it will begin limiting its passengers to only twenty pounds of emotional baggage per plane ticket. The crackdown comes as a response to frequent complaints about “sad-looking” travellers and staff on the company’s website. According to a spokesperson for the airline,“This change in policy will […] Read more
With the threat of runaway global temperatures an ever-looming reality, the warming Earth has the potential to influence your daily life in truly unprecedented ways. Here’s what it could do to some of your favorite interiors. The Mall A rise in global temperatures will raise sea levels to previously unseen heights. Expect a much more […] Read more
The world just can’t throw a bone to local paleontologist Dr. Ray Parsons. “God damn, I’m going to crack some skulls,” Dr. Parsons angrily shouted as he stormed through his office. Dr. Parsons, 65, had been a happily married “old fossil” for 43 years. However, within the last month, according to the ol’ dinosaur, the […] Read more
Academia is widely regarded as one of the most competitive professional fields in the western world, and for many the struggle for job security is daunting. However Communications studies professor Jared McCullough is bound and determined to continue pursuing his goal of getting tenure and/or having an illicit affair with one of his students. “It’s […] Read more
It all started when the champion jokester of the class, fifth-grader Nathan O’Reilly, tried to throw his weight around with a joke towards Ben Lipton during art class. “Yo, Ben. You know what’s brown and belongs in the toilet but would clog it up?” inquired Nathan, who was only funny to everyone because both his […] Read more
Oh, so you’re having a bad day? I have four classes every Wednesday, so I walk around campus quite a bit those days. When so many people are in a confined place, I think it’s hard to not overhear people talking: to their friends, family, and so on. And boy, do people like to complain. […] Read more
After many lonely years, Teacher’s Assistant Seth O’Neill has hatched a plan to finally score the ever-elusive Valentine’s day date. “Due to my position as a TA in the College of Business Administration, I have had contact with quite a few students,” he remarked. “I figured it was high time I made that work to […] Read more
The fields of corn blow in the wind, their thirst quenched by my Husker tears. I put on the red hat, and they cheer, even when the hat hides the grimace. I put on my wide grin, and the screaming nauseates me more than the ocean of red. They do not know that I prance […] Read more
Let me start this editorial off simply. Your christmas wishes, miracles? Kiss them goodbye. Grandma’s still gonna hit the bottle. Your presents will be universally disappointing, and, no, little boy, your mama ain’t getting no shoes tonight. What do you people think I am? Where do you get off asking me, Saint Nick, to solve […] Read more
Sources within the Nebraska athletic department have confirmed recent rumors that the Washington Generals have been added to the 2015 Nebraska football schedule following the firing of Bo Pelini. “With the coaching situation unsure for next season, we wanted to make sure we would have at least one guaranteed win,” said Nebraska athletic director Shawn […] Read more
