Phooey! Crag-nabbit! You seen this new “Star Wars” internet projection? Barb showed it to me yesterday morning. She said the grandkids like it, so I guess she’s trying to figure out prospective Christmas gifts for the sprouts. I’ll tell you this much, though: we aren’t buying our munchkins any of this non-sensible jibber jabber. No […] Read more
As the temperature starts to drop, many students are trying to stay warm as best as they can. Many resort to a traditional coat or sweatshirt, but freshmen Cody Parker is taking extreme remedies in order to stay warm by hibernating inside of an original Runza sandwich. “In San Diego, all you need is a […] Read more
In a nail-biting finishing, the Republican party have won the war on Christmas 3-2, after Republican John Boeher scored the game-winning run by passing a bill making the term “Happy Holidays” illegal in all 50 states. “I’m just so pleased on what this team has accomplished,” a half-smiling Boehner said. “Because of our triumphs, we […] Read more
“Sometimes, our crusades for divination lead us to strange places,” said Rev. Grant Havel as he walked along a stony road, following the North Star to, literally, God knows where. Rev. Havel, one of the newest religious nomads following the North Star, hoped to find “something…with God in it or something” as he kept travelling […] Read more
Heheh, you sly dog. It’s Christmas, don’t you have shame? Nah, I’m just joshing you. But you are a dirty dirty human, aren’t ya? Yeah, you. What? Oh, yes, yes, I know that I’m an elf, or one of those smallish, pointy-eared creatures. But that’s not important. What is important is your naughty little wish […] Read more
Little Annie Remington, 81, did not expect that her family would be able to celebrate a truly festive and bright Christmas this year as she brought out her infamous holiday fruitcake, which had actually achieved atomic half-life. “Oh, dearie, was I surprised when I unwrapped that fruitcake,” Remington said, who never knew that a balding […] Read more
A calmness spills through the Charter household. It seeps through the mistletoe, flows downs the stairs and finds its way into the branches of meticulously decorated Christmas tree. The family sits on their overstuffed couch. Christmas Eve. The smell of cinnamon rolls, almost done, waffs around, teasing the family of four. Bliss. Grandma is dead. […] Read more
This morning, English major Jared Buckley strode out into the field of daisies near his home, arms outstretched, with a carefree smile on his face and not a worry in his mind. Armed with a backpack full of poetry to make him seem sensitive and refined in case there were any girls around, he felt […] Read more
Local student Tina Branson reported this week that though she hasn’t seen her roommate in three weeks, she knows that she’s alive. How? Through the intense barrage of increasingly angry snapchats Tina has received for the past month. “At first, I thought it was just a joke,” Branson said, citing a snap from November that […] Read more
The Christmas season is in full swing in the Sandon household. After a large Thanksgiving dinner, the family of University of Nebraska-Lincoln sophomore biology major Jon Sandon settled in to take in their favorite holiday film. “Every year, the whole family watches ‘A Christmas Story’ after we eat,” Sandon said. “And every year, my dad […] Read more
