As the Oscars approached last Sunday, I made the error of using Facebook to express my belief that “Gravity” was far and away the best film nominated for Best Picture. Many of you reading this may have acted just like my friends when you read that prior sentence: Eye rolls followed by mutterings of “12 […] Read more
The case of the missing Malaysian Airlines Boeing 777 has finally come to a close. The international mystery bordered on conspiracy after NPR reported that “at least two passports” used to board the flight were listed in its Stolen and Lost Travel documents database. Well, rest at ease, citizens of the world. Malaysian Airlines flight […] Read more
The campus rec is becoming more crowded than usual as people strive to prepare themselves for the best Spring Break ever. Some, however, do not think they need to work in the gym to improve their physique. “I just need to keep chewing, you know,” junior Adam Jonstonn said as he squeezed another stick of […] Read more
In an unexpected turnaround, local dude Eric “Boomer” Peterson claimed victory in the Wastedtown mayor race, narrowly defeating opposing candidate Garrett E. Jenkins. Sources say Mayor Boomer made his victory official by giving each and every one of his party constituents an extreme bearhug. “Oh hell yeah! Hell yeah! I’m the goddamn boss of this […] Read more
After a long and gruesome reign, the trees’ iron grip on Centennial Mall is no more. In one final surprise attack, an elite force of specially trained operatives using expensive, advanced equipment wiped out the tree population on the small stretch of city property on the southern edge of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln City Campus. […] Read more
Members of the dysfunctional Lincoln-area Pejsa family admitted today that, outside of their traditional “Stroganoff Sundays,” they literally cannot stand each other’s tiny and oh so irritating existence. “Yeah, I’m not the only one thinking this, so I’ll just come out and say that we all hate each other’s guts,” said local mechanic Jackson Pejsa, […] Read more
In a move to improve their image and attract more customers, local fast-food chain Amigos King’s Classic is introducing “Health Code” into the workplace effective immediately. “At this point anything would improve this death-trap, it’s gotten so bad I’m pretty sure everyone that passes by thinks it’s a really big dumpster,” Kyle Anderson, manager of […] Read more
Every person on the planet cherishes a number of special memories and keeps them close to their heart. However, after countless research, studies say that another human being, somewhere on the planet, likely died during your happiest moment. “Our numbers have shown us that, while you were experiencing the wildest ride of your life or […] Read more
Clown Campus police reported a gang of clown bullies stuffed a student, Bookworm the Clown, into a really tiny locker between classes. Located at the corner of 14th street and Bozo blvd., in Lincoln, Clown College has recently seen an increase in silly, ridiculous bullying since the semester began. Bookworm, known for his crazy scientist […] Read more
There it sat: a half-empty bottle of cheap Fireball whiskey. But this was no ordinary bottle. It had lay, untouched, for the last 90 minutes. No one had even glanced at the bottle as they fixed themselves drinks. It was a holy grail amongst cut-rate booze; it was almost hers. Alison Williams has always known […] Read more
