Okay. So ever since Sandy came to town, everyone’s been acting like a little bitch. Especially when I said that I don’t think the government should be responsible for cleanup. Sorry, I don’t want to be Sandy’s mother and clean up her mess. I have better things to do, like, I don’t know, win a motherfucking presidential […] Read more
By Barack Obama A guy shouldn’t ask for a lot in life, and I don’t think I have. Honestly. A nice gift from my wife here, the leadership of the entire free world there- it’s not much, really. I just don’t think I get enough thanks for the work I do. I mean, that […] Read more
Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III may be the top-producing player in ESPN’s standard-scoring NFL fantasy leagues, but local enthusiast Leroy Watson says he still isn’t convinced of Griffin’s talent. Watson, a 39 year-old car mechanic, told a lady at the bar who was too polite to walk away that he’s “a huge Chiefs fan” who therefore […] Read more
Following another unconventional comeback win on the road against Michigan State, the Blackshirts have announced they are finally ready to start learning the second half of the playbook. “We got the first part down pretty well, I think,” said Aaron Curry, a defensive back. “Like, we know all of the plays there. I want to […] Read more
Historically, the Electoral College’s 538 members have been staffed with people respected for their strength within their respective parties. Many are given the honor based on a long history of leadership or personal affiliation with the candidates. This year, however, children’s network Nickelodeon intervened in an attempt to give the power back to the kids. […] Read more
Emergency operators in Des Moines, Iowa received a flood of calls late Saturday evening when a four-car pileup obstructed the overpass intersection the I-80 and I-35 interstates. Dessert store manager Sally Wilcox was on the scene of the accident, witness to the horrific incident. “I could not believe my eyes. Everything was in slow motion,” […] Read more
As any political analyst will tell you, party members do not win Presidential races. Although party members are essential, they are only a base, and a candidate must appeal to the independent and undecided voters if they hope to reach the magic number of 270 electoral votes. Time is running out for Barack Obama and […] Read more
Students, faculty, and Lincoln citizens met at a townhall meeting this weekend to discuss the recent increase in mischievous deeds surrounding the Lincoln Downtown area. For Rod White, director of the UNL Campus Police, the recent spike in nefarious activity is an opportune time for his staff to make a name for itself by quelling […] Read more
In a twist of events, the Great Ballentini, a local magician, picked a card for one of his illusory card games. The magic man was alone earlier in the day and decided to practice his tricks, observing that he’d “never had this type of experience before.” According to Ballentini, who usually is seen performing at […] Read more
Bachelors have been known for some foul behavior behind closed doors. One local bachelor, however, went beyond last week’s eating of the leftover frozen pizza stored between two couch cushions. Tyler Johansson, a UNL graduate student, ran out of toilet paper on Monday and resorted to the cardboard toilet paper roll to clean his rear […] Read more
