Citing that only he could know how to produce the sound, David played his secret chord and pleased the Lord, sources confirmed on Wednesday. “I’m happy I was able to strike my chord to please the Lord,” said David, a harpist and King of the Israelites. “I really do love how it pleases the Lord to […] Read more
On Sunday, Vice President Mike Pence attended the matchup between the San Francisco 49ers and the Indianapolis Colts to help celebrate the career of Colts legend Peyton Manning, who was being honored by the team in a ceremony to retire his number. Pence chose to not stay the entire game, though, leaving after a number of […] Read more
Sources reported Wednesday that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s spine was still on back order, offering a major blow to the Democrats in their fight against President Trump’s agenda. A spokesperson from McConnell’s office spoke to reporters early Thursday morning to offer an explanation and an apology for the incident. “Despite our best efforts, we […] Read more
In a shocking statement issued late Thursday evening, Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred announced the league’s implementation of an all-organic player policy in its minor league system. “We are doing away with our outdated approach of genetically modified, growth hormone-injected athletes,” said Manfred. “We are aware of the implications of our decision, and we […] Read more
Saying you never clean those bones as well as you should, your dad forbade you from leaving the table until you got some more meat off of those chicken wings, sources reported Friday. “I paid a pretty penny for those wings,” said Dad. “I’m not about to sit here and watch you waste all that […] Read more
Celebrating her one year anniversary of membership in Gamma Phi Beta, sophomore biology major Olivia Shaw spoke on Monday about how, for the first time, she has been able to experience a true community of sisterhood, disregarding her years of close friendship with her actual sister, Becca. “Before I joined Gamma Phi, I didn’t really […] Read more
