Even though he has been offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach for nearly 8 months and has been in the program for over three years, Tim Beck is still calling his starting quarterback Taylor Martinez after a star NFL quarterback. “Okay, Peyton, now this time I need you to do a five-step drop and look for […] Read more
It is so aggravating to watch serial killers today. As a–I hate to be arrogant–masterful serial killer, I do understand the challenges that face these guys. It’s hard to get girls (or whatever your preference is) to be alone with you long enough to kill them and leave your signature on the crime scene, sure. […] Read more
After weeks of hearing coaches talk about which quarterbacks were going to “step up and lead,” Rex Burkhead couldn’t take it anymore. “I kept hearing the coaches yelling at the quarterbacks and telling them to ‘lead by example,’ and I couldn’t take it anymore. I just walked right up to coach Beck and told him […] Read more
In an act of charity, Disney is sending pictures of Disney World to poor families across the nation. These “gift packages” include high-definition photos of various attractions, as well as descriptions of the “magic” that a Disney park can bring to the average family. Disney is hoping that the pictures and descriptions will be enough […] Read more
Tim Beck is ready. Beck, Nebraska’s new Offensive Coordinator, can’t wait to meet the fans at this year’s spring game. The only problem is that he’s not sure what to wear “I’m super excited to show all the Husker fans the new offense they are going to see,” Beck said. “But I’m not quite sure […] Read more
So you embarrassed yourself at a party last night when you revealed your ignorance of classic literature? Oh, don’t worry, I’m not going to judge you. Why do you think they created me? Just give me five minutes of your time and you can gain the respect of just about every student at UNL, or […] Read more
Nebraskans for the Upgraded Treatment of Squirrels (N.U.T.S.) President Carl Scholt announced yesterday that N.U.T.S. would only be protecting the eastern grey squirrel and would not be protecting the black squirrel subgroup. The N.U.T.S. members voted on this issue last night after it had been found out that black squirrels were not specifically mentioned under […] Read more
The Boston Celtics traded Kevin Garnett’s immediate family to the Oklahoma City Thunder yesterday in a blockbuster deal that included Kevin Durant’s mother, grandmother and niece, plus Paul Pierce’s younger mistress. “It is our belief that Garnett’s family was really becoming a hindurance to the team. He even told coach Rivers one time that his […] Read more
As I sit in line behind all the other dead mice waiting to see if they are going to mouse heaven or mouse hell, I have been contemplating what my life meant. I realized the way I died, trying to eat a piece of perfectly aged extra-sharp cheddar cheese while a fast-moving piece of metal […] Read more
What originally seemed like a positive career development — winning Album of the Year at the 2011 Grammy Awards — has turned out to be the worst thing that could happen for Canadian indie band Arcade Fire. “When we won, I was like, ‘what the hell, this is awesome.’ Then I saw how many followers […] Read more
