The Padres’ center fielder Cameron Maybin was killed yesterday, after the force of TV and Radio Host Jim Rome’s “Final Burn” caused him to collapse and die on the spot. “Cameron was a great player, and I’m sorry he had to go this way. But when you get on the wrong side of the jungle-king, […] Read more
Porn Critic Sasha Sins has given the film “Black Swan” an “F” in her most recent column, due to hit stands tomorrow in the newest issue of “Hustler Magazine.” In what is arguably the harshest review of the film so far, Sins bashes the film for lack of extreme sexual content and nudity. “These Porn […] Read more
My fellow freedom-fighting Americans, we are in crisis mode. If you haven’t heard, Sarah Palin didn’t show up to the Conservative Political Action Conference convention this last week. If you have even half a brain, you know just how unfortunate that is. But don’t panic! This doesn’t mean she isn’t going to run for President […] Read more
When Steven Jones first met his new roommate, James, back in August, he had no idea what he was getting himself into. “I met him, and he was just one of those guys, you know? A little overweight, wears the black hoodie and jeans no matter if it’s 100 or 0 degrees outside, and doesn’t […] Read more
Local resident Steve Yoaks wondered aloud yesterday where his life had gone wrong while sitting alone at Shuang Cheng Restaurant. “I just can’t seem to pinpoint exactly when I got to the point where eating alone at a sit-down Chinese Restaurant was an okay way to spend an evening,” Yoaks said to literally no one. […] Read more
The President of the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Tom Sherak, announced today that the acting nominations for its most popular event, the Academy Awards, will include all actors that said “fuck you” in a passable Boston accent. The president didn’t specify what would qualify as a passable Boston accent, but it […] Read more
The founder of the Parents Television Council, L. Brent Bozell, has gone outside the world of TV this week to warn parents of his belief that the Millennium Trilogy, by the late Swedish writer Stieg Larsson, is “definitely” leading young girls to get dragon tattoos. While Bozell could not come up with any concrete evidence […] Read more
Claiming that he “doesn’t give a fuck about y’all,” Kanye West announced that “this shit is fucking ridiculous.” When asked about what exactly the “shit” was, West said that it was “champagne wishes, 30 white bitches, I mean the shit is fucking ridiculous.” So far West’s claims have been met with mostly approval from the […] Read more
Hello again my fellow freedom-protecting Americans. I want to thank you all for loving this country as much as I do, and showing up last month to tell Obama how bad he was doing! I wish more of you would have showed up in Nevada… but we got the point across even without defeating the […] Read more
Claiming that he just couldn’t wait another day, David Stern announced he was canceling the rest of the NBA’s regular season so that the playoffs could start right away. “We just finished figuring out how the playoffs would play out and I just couldn’t wait until April to show you guys, the fans,” Stern said. […] Read more
