Bear in the Bigger Bluer House: Nothing draws an attentive audience like the word BIG or BIGGER. Throw in a friendly bear from your childhood and by golly, you’ve got yourself a hit! Blue’s Clueier Clues: The problem with this children’s show was the clues were too obvious, so what did these ingenious network executives […] Read more
It was at precisely 8:37 p.m. that the party started crack’a’lackin in Fred Youngsford’s dormitory. Witnesses described it as the best party you could expect from a freshman living in Knoll, who is known to go off the handle every so often by skipping Bible study. “It was just absolutely phenomenal,” party attendee Kate Williams […] Read more
Four weeks into the semester and sophomore student Richard Holden is at a complete loss for words. “I don’t know man,” Holden somberly exhaled while gathering his thoughts. “You see, I’m taking this meteorology course to fulfill an ACE 4 requirement, but nothing the professor does ever makes any sense.” Standing up from his chair, […] Read more
After diving deep into his Renaissance to Modern Art class, sophomore James McDugger did the unimaginable. While amped up on inspiration, Mountain Dew Code Red and a heart full of edginess, he opened up his American history textbook. What happened next could only be described as a stroke of sheer genius as he drew a […] Read more
Frowning: You’ve got to be a pretty sad human being to force your officers to hand out $10 “go fuck yourself” coupons with the added benefit of court fees…and I’ll tell you what, there’s nothing sad people love doing more than frowning. Religiously watching both Bad Boys movies: Nothing motivates one more to hand out […] Read more
October has come to pass, leaving Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder in absolute and utter glee. “Oh boy, oh golly gosh isn’t this just the best time of year,” Snyder exclaimed while frolicking through the kitchen of his mansion in Potomac, Maryland on his expertly crafted, Redskins embroidered moccasins. Unfazed, we walked through his family […] Read more
Sitting through the first Democratic debate on October 13 was hell, reported 18-year-old theater major Jordan Gates. “I was just sitting in the Abel game room, watching the debates on the couch with my liberal arts buddies, when this douche in a fedora just plopped himself down right next to me,” Gates said, who just […] Read more
This past week, Paul Ryan began his term as Speaker of the House, replacing former Speaker John Boehner after his abrupt retirement. So what can voters expect under the reign of Speaker Ryan? At a recent press conference, the candidate made it clear why he was the best choice. “I’m going to be honest here, […] Read more
