I am dog. I am not much; simply a quadruped wrapped in fur with an uncanny ability to demonstrate absolute loyalty and unconditional love. For years I have been slowly training myself to articulate thoughts beneath the underdeveloped noses of my humans. They’re good humans, and they mean well. But even they have failed to describe […] Read more
A group dedicated to helping you kick your gambling addiction called your bluff and wagered $20 that you’re likely not stopping anytime soon, sources say. The for-profit telecom group Bet Ending Therapy Services (BETS) stated that while you’ve shown an interest in fiscal responsibility, there are 2 to 1 odds that you’ll be back in […] Read more
73-year-old Ira Baker sent fear down the spines of her fellow patrons at a local cafe on Tuesday when she exhibited one of the telltale signs of psychopathic behavior: reading the entire menu out loud to herself. “It was shocking; horrifying really,” said eyewitness Jeanette Rosenberg. “I had only seen psychopaths in movies, I wasn’t […] Read more
Physically-active philanthropist and Lincoln local Kyle Winthrop performed a feat of incredible strength, endurance and humanity on Saturday as he walked an astounding 12 feet which, unbeknownst to him, raised money for dozens of local charities. “Uh, what? What did I do?” the confused-looking hero said as he was congratulated for his humanitarian service and […] Read more
Experts in sociology recently discovered that the popular racing game Mario Kart is responsible for all institutionalized forms of oppression. The game’s design consists of vying for first place via motorized vehicles while simultaneously leaving obstacles like turtle shells and banana peels behind. These hinder the progress of other racers, which experts say is a […] Read more
It’s hard to cope with the reality that many people view our existence as nothing more than extended stretches of road with intermittently-painted stripes and lines. They’re wrong. I’ve been alive for two decades; during which I’ve determined through thorough observation that life is incredibly unlikely to be a highway. Now, if you believe in […] Read more
In a bizarre turn of events, Lil’ Red’s remains were discovered in an ice cream storage unit at the UNL Dairy Store on Tuesday. Despite thousands fondly recollecting recent interactions with him, forensic experts determined that he has been frozen for roughly 13 years. “Wow. That’s, like, so creepy,” said junior sarcasm major Sierra Young […] Read more
Nebraska: in terms of our species, it is the cradle of humanity. There’s nowhere on Earth where there has been more social progress. The state is on the forefront of free thought and innovation and is in no way a place where people throw new ideas or objective reasoning under the bus in exchange for their […] Read more
Mysterious symptoms have been spreading across campus and affecting several students, and it is believed that Lil Red may be the possible Patient Zero. The scare began this morning after multiple eyewitness reports indicated that the beloved mascot was displaying bizarre quirks and behaviors after emerging from a grove of nearby bushes. “[Lil Red] seemed […] Read more
An ongoing two-week effort to retrieve University of Nebraska-Lincoln freshman Collin Yoder’s MacBook has proven unsuccessful so far. The 19-year-old grabbed Apple’s latest model out of his backpack to show a group of friends, who subsequently clamored and reached to no avail as it’s lighter-than-air design allowed it to ascend into the atmosphere. “I’m a […] Read more
