Hey ladies. It’s mid-February—a time to celebrate love and intimacy. The best way to lure in and capture the one you’ve got your eye on is to foster an attachment so strong and close that your Valentine will never, ever, ever leave you.

We all know I’ve got Rihanna hanging out on the side, wanting me back after I finally gave her the apology she wanted—even though it was her fault that her neck got in the way of my hands. She can’t resist me. I’m hot shit. Duh. This chick is fine, but she’s kinda crazy. I need a new Valentine this year.

I’m not really worried about finding one or three to celebrate with this week. I’m famous! I make some seriously choice music, I’ve got money, and I’ve got mad upper body strength. I don’t think any of you would dare disagree with me.

Come on, girl. Be my Valentine. I’ll take you out, we’ll go to my favorite restaurant, maybe get dessert if you’re lucky, and we’ll definitely go back to my place. Just go with the flow. You don’t really need to talk much at all during our date. My hands have a way of doing the talking for me.

Let’s celebrate how great I am and how great love can be by going out and enjoying how the moonlight hits my face. We’ll call a cab for you in the morning—because let’s be honest, I probably won’t have much patience for you by the end of the date.