By Entomologist James Nickels

If you’re looking for proof of a God look no further than the beetle, because they’re as close as you’re going to get to a perfect organism.

I mean, come on now, they’re built like tanks. They have natural combat armor that could probably stop a bullet.

Not only that, but they’re strong as hell. People always prattle on about how strong ants are, but I always tell them, “You look here, ants aren’t shit.”

The reason I do this is three-fold.

For one, ants are entry level insects. Everyone knows that ants are strong, and I’m not interested in hearing what some dimwit thinks about them.

Secondly, beetles are so much stronger than ants. It’s insane that no one is interested in talking about that.

And thirdly, I don’t much like people.

Sometimes people ask me, “Well, Dr. Nickels how many ants would it take to kill a beetle?”

The answer is simple: there aren’t enough ants on the planet to kill any beetle. Ants simply don’t have the strength or strategical knowhow to take down a beetle.

Now, more interestingly, there’s actually a species of beetle that looks so much like an ant that it infiltrates ant hills and eats their larvae. Ants are so clueless that they can’t do anything to stop it. As it stands, beetles are much too powerful for ants to win any sort of war against them.

Also, if humans were shrunk down to beetle size they wouldn’t even stand a chance. The beetle would simply split them in two with their powerful pincers, or in the case of the rhinoceros beetle, gore them instantly with its horn. And Christ help us if beetles ever grew to our size. We’d be straight up fucked, there’s no two ways about it.

If beetles ever grew to being even six feet in size and proportionally large, they’d take over the earth in a day’s time, and there’s nothing we’d be able to do about it.

While this may be a horrifying thought to the insect layman, I for one welcome the extinction of our lesser species if it means the age of beetle superiority. They’ve clearly earned it, given their superior physiology.