Last Monday, Junior Jeremy Jenkins received a letter from his long-time girlfriend in the mail, notifying him that their relationship’s expiration date would be in two weeks. Devastated, he read the paper over and over again and even called for confirmation. What follows are the contents of the document, sans tear stains and snot wipings:
Sunday, December 29, 2019
Jeremey Jenkins
Our Relationship Inc.
Established February 21, 2016
Dear Mr. Jenkins
This letter is meant to inform you of my official resignation from our relationship. My final day in the position of your girlfriend, best friend, eye candy, and shoulder to cry on will take place on January 12, two weeks from now. Between now and then, I will return my company uniform (your hoodie) and pay any outstanding debts (it’s my turn to pay for movie tickets–“Cats” this week).
It has been a pleasure being your girlfriend, and I will always cherish these last three and a half years with you, especially the night we first said “I love you.” Ah, good times. Thank you for the time and commitment you have given me (which was a lot, maybe even too much!). This experience with you has greatly developed my skills in being a girlfriend, and I’m sure the next guy I’m with will really appreciate it!
I am leaving our relationship because I’m just really busy. It’s not you; it’s me. I just need some space. I don’t think I can make you happy anymore. This is for the best. You’re better off without me, and I think I’m holding you back.
But don’t fret, Jeremy. I intend to continue working with you in our relationship up until the aforementioned date with the same high-quality performance. For example, I can’t wait to be the “girl on your arm” at your brother’s wedding next weekend! I also know your birthday is the last day of our relationship, so be ready for a special treat ;). Anyway, if there is anything I can do to help during this time of transition, don’t hesitate to ask!
Love (but not for long!),
Paige Parker
P.S. I’ll see you at your parents’ house tomorrow night for dinner!
