The Founding Fathers defying unjust British rule, Joan of Arc leading the French Army, Gandhi defeating Voldemort at the Battle of Hastings–all of these are examples of valiant acts performed by bold figures in history. Now, in 2013, the University of Nebraska has birthed its very own hero of paralleled greatness: Sandoz RA Zachary Smoling.
On the night of December 7th, the 21-year-old guardian of floor six was going about his business as usual, Netflixing “Vampire Diaries” in his luxurious dorm and texting his girlfriend of six years. 10:50 p.m. rolled around, and with it came the duty of nightly patrol.
“Everything was quiet in paradise,” Smoling told the Dailyer, “except for some boisterous activity in 619.”
The suspect room, occupied by potential pothead Jake Harcroft and Solo cup connoisseur Richie Wolfe, was one which had proved problematic for Smoling in the past.
“As I approached their door, my bloodhound sense of smell detected something definitely alcoholic.” In addition to his superhuman nose, Smoling admitted that he was also tipped off by Harcroft shouting, “Wow bro, spilling the Natty, that’s a party foul!”
The diligent RA, not a drinker himself, had meticulously studied various alcohol brands in preparation for his “calling” at the university. Smoling knew that ‘Natty’ was indeed a reference to the popular college beer brand, Natural.
“I was like 100% sure those two were up to no good, but then I had to figure out my next move,” said Smoling.
Patiently, he waited in silence outside 619, anticipating the dick joke-adorned door to be unsuspectingly opened.
Sure enough, Harcroft left for the restroom and accidently gave Smoling enough time to spy an open beer can on top of their TV. Thanks to the valor of one Zachary Smoling, the two redhanded violators were officially charged with diversion classes and community service.
“I’m not a hero, I’m just doing my job, miss,” Smoling stuttered at a presumably random girl walking by, who continued not to care.
Sadly, for reasons unknown, this humble servant of justice is unanimously disliked by the residents of Sandoz 6.
Regardless of how those under his tutelage feel, this fearless RA has sent out a strong message: there is a new sheriff in town, and his name is Zachary Motherfuckin’ Smoling.
