NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, not usually one for grand pronouncements, unveiled a sweeping overhaul of the league Sunday in a surprise press conference. After brief comments on player safety and how human-like Bill Bellichick was looking in that suit today, the Commissioner revealed the true reason for the meeting.

“The NFL is proud to name the Cleveland Browns the league’s most depressing team through 2018,” he told cheering crowds of everyone who doesn’t live in Ohio. “Usually we bestow this honor on a year-by-year basis, but the owners and NFLPA are confident that Cleveland will be able to uphold the spirit of the award for at least the next five seasons.”

Browns fan Kitty Jones expressed her dismay at a Cleveland-area bar known as The Smokestacks. After watching Goodell’s announcement looped six times on ESPN’s SportsCenter, she explained to her bowl of beernuts that “[the Browns] might not be the best team in the world now, but look at what we accomplished this season! We won nearly a third of our games. We drafted a wonderfully mature and ginger (like our uniforms!) 29 year-old to take this team at least… what’s Tom Brady, 35? So at least 6 years into the future! And we’ve hired a new coach again. Seventh time has to be the charm, right? Right?”

New head coach Rob Chudzinski, a transfer from the breakout Carolina Panthers, took the news in stride.

“I like challenges, and by god this will be one,” he told the Cleveland Plain Dealer when his hiring was made public Thursday. “There aren’t many cities where so much sadness and bitterness have the chance to combine – the only other one that comes to mind is Philadelphia, but even I’m not up to that. I’ll just say, I’m looking forward to coaching my heart out for the chance to be fired next offseason. It’s really a thrill.”

The NFL had no comment when drunkenly asked why they “took Lebron from us, you bastards.”