Neihardt Hall at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is definitely not haunted, reported a voice from inside the closet of room 341 in the 80-year-old residence hall. Sources reported Thursday that the disembodied voice was assuring the room’s resident, freshman history major Nicole Collins, that the dorm was not inhabited by the spirits of those who had perished within.

“You’re completely safe in here,” said the raspy, ethereal voice from within the darkened closet. “No one can harm the residents of this hall without me or my friends’ knowledge,” it added with an eerie cackle.

According to sources, the lights then began to flicker, accompanied by the sound of furniture moving above the ceiling of the dorm’s top floor. Sources then reported that Collins’ nonexistent upstairs neighbors then began to loudly discuss the impossibility of supernatural activity in UNL’s oldest residence hall.

“I’ve been here since 1941,” reported another voice from the 80-year-old building’s attic. “And I’ve never seen any ghosts in this wing.”

According to Collins, the radio on the resident’s desk then spontaneously switched on and began loudly playing Alice Cooper’s “I Love the Dead.” Collins’ attempts to turn the music down were reportedly unsuccessful.

Although the bodiless voice was able to assure Collins that the dorm was free of supernatural beings, it added that there may be another threat afoot.

“There are no restless spirits in this hall, but I’d watch out for that china doll if I were you,” the ethereal creature added as a soft but distinct scratching sound began issuing from inside the pitch black, wood-paneled closet. “Be sure not to throw her down the trash chute again.”

“Other than that, though, you have no reason to worry,” the discorporate wraith said. “Sweet dreams!”