University of Nebraska-Lincoln locker rooms will be returned to their normal levels of microbial activity in time for the Fall 2020 semester, director of Campus Recreation Jeremy Bell told reporters Tuesday.

“Following the current COVID-19 pandemic, UNL locker rooms will resume being covered in the proper amount of filth that our students have come to expect,” Bell explained. “We will ensure that the only viruses present in our locker rooms are the usual strains of influenza, rhinovirus and enterovirus. The coronavirus will be completely eliminated from our facility, making it practically germ-free.”

Reporters learned that the City Campus Rec will be cleaned using a multistep process.

“First, UNL staff will completely disinfect the locker room facilities floor to ceiling,” Bell explained. “But that’s only the beginning.”

Next, the UNL basketball teams have agreed to help with the next step of the restoration process.

“Members of the Husker basketball teams that have tested negative for COVID-19 have agreed to return our locker rooms to their typical levels of griminess,” Bell explained. “Athletes from both the men’s and women’s basketball teams will dirty the floors, leave piles of dirty clothes strewn about and spread the proper amount of fungus around the shower facilities, returning our locker rooms to their proper levels of filth while keeping them free of Coronavirus.”

The cleansing process for the East Campus Rec will be nearly identical, but the UNL Department of Veterinary Science has agreed to allow some of their livestock to complete the final step of the restoration by hosting a greased pig contest in each locker room facility.

“Returning our locker rooms to their natural, pre-COVID, state is the first step to returning our campus to normalcy, and we are grateful to the Husker basketball teams and to the Department of Veterinary Science for their help with this process,” Bell said.