Christina Aguilera shocked the world last Sunday when she released an upgraded version of the American National Anthem at Super Bowl XLV. “I just thought to myself, if I can make the word ‘brave’ last for 45 seconds, I can probably make up some new lyrics for our country’s anthem,” Aguilera explained. “I figured it […] Read more
As the violent revolutions rage on in Egypt, Yemen and Tunisia, interested parties have been debating solutions to soothe the unrest. While international organizations find themselves short-handed in devising such plans, there seems to be a sliver of hope in the form of a stocky, white man, residing comfortably in his mother’s Lincoln basement. “The […] Read more
The Chicago Bears’ quarterback Jay Cutler was benched in the playoff game versus the Green Bay Packers last week, though it was not initially clear why he was being kept off the field. After extensive medical tests, it has been determined that Cutler tore his lower right sad muscle. The injury, which occurred on a […] Read more
Aung San Suu Kyi finally obtained internet access this past week following her 15-year stint under house arrest, marking it her first experience with the World Wide Web since its creation. After hours of browsing, Suu Kyi summed up her initial reaction in three words. “What the hell?” Suu Kyi asked, eyes wide in disbelief. […] Read more
Though the Democratic side of the aisle was relatively empty, Republicans showed up in force on Thursday to hear newly sworn-in Speaker John Boehner read a great American document aloud. Photo illustration by Dylan Bliss. “Would you eat them in a box?” Boehner queried his fellow Representatives. “Would you eat them with a fox?” The […] Read more
Recent reports that entire flocks of birds and schools of fish are dying of unnatural causes have finally been explained. A press release from Captain Planet’s representatives contains a confession outlining the hero’s recent drug and alcohol abuse. Mr. Planet apologized at length using several earth puns, and has promised to go straight into rehab. […] Read more
The head referee at the Big 12 championship game has drawn intense dislike from Nebraska fans after he apparently allowed Oklahoma to do what Texas did in 2009 – snatch the championship victory straight out of Nebraska’s hands. In this year’s game, however, Oklahoma clinched a win in three quarters that were added back […] Read more
Few senators were surprised on Monday when Vice President Joseph Biden showed up to the day’s session with live mallard in tow. Stepping up to the podium at the front of the Senate Chamber, Biden cleared his throat, lifted the Mariana Mallard high and made a proud announcement. Though admiring his courage in completely missing […] Read more
Julian Assange, editor of the website Wikileaks, is in no way repentant about the content he posts every few months. He says the American public should have a little more truth in their lives. And while this would not normally be a cause for the Department of Defense to get involved, Assange is a special […] Read more
By Kermit the Frog “It’s not that easy being green. Having to spend each day the color of the leaves, When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold, Or… wait, who am I kidding here? Try this again. It’s not that difficult to be green. Getting to spend each day […] Read more
