Earlier this week, construction workers excavating the future College of Business-Administration building made a shocking discovery when a stray jackhammer struck the ground, allowing oil to shoot up into the sky. Jumpin’ Jericho Jameson, a major Texas oil tycoon and owner of Jameson Oil, expressed his interest in helping the campus with handling the oil. […] Read more
In a move supporters describe as “revolutionary,” Chancellor Harvey Perlman announced that the University of Nebraska-Lincoln was doing away with government subsidized students loans and replacing them with short- to medium-termed indentured servitude. “Student loans are an antiquated way of obtaining a degree,” Perlman said. “If we as Nebraskans want to make this country great […] Read more
Residents of Abel Hall are familiar with the dining hall’s weekly macaroni bar, which draws long lines of students from all over campus every Tuesday. Most describe the weekly noodle dinner as “really just alright” and “not really worth the wait, but ya’ know, what can you do.” However, in a recent poll conducted by […] Read more
This past Saturday, Alyssa Hopkins, 28, and her date, Derek Townsend, 31, got together for drinks at O’Flanagan’s, a cozy neighborhood Irish pub, after meeting the previous week at the gym. Hopkins reportedly started off the evening’s conversation with the story of how she was born five months premature with a severe case of neonatal […] Read more
After multiple years of offering STI tests and free condoms to students, the University Health Center has made the decision to offer sexual health services in an abstinence-focused manner that indicates a radical departure from previous approaches. “After reviewing our sexual health programs, Health Center staff decided we could save a lot of money and […] Read more
Local teen Scotty McLaughlin recently had a falling out with his father Richard McLaughlin after what Scott is calling a “totally not fleek” 16th birthday celebration. “Yeah, it was fricken stupid,” Scott said. “I asked my dad, ‘Hey, can I bring one of your cases of Busch Light to my bonfire party tonight,’ and he […] Read more
With their morning classes just minutes away, students walking across the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s city campus Monday expected to hear the familiar chimes of Mueller Tower. But what they actually heard was an earth-shaking hip-hop beat. “I was just walking to class, wondering if the bell tower would play ‘Harry Potter’ or the Husker fight […] Read more
Sitting through the first Democratic debate on October 13 was hell, reported 18-year-old theater major Jordan Gates. “I was just sitting in the Abel game room, watching the debates on the couch with my liberal arts buddies, when this douche in a fedora just plopped himself down right next to me,” Gates said, who just […] Read more
They told him the circulation to his legs would be severely decreased, permanently debilitating his legs by the age of 34. They told him his movement would slow to that of a person with bloodless legs. Finally, they told him that they would allow for little privacy in what he carried in his pockets. “Yeah, […] Read more
Dude, come check this out. No, not there, over here. Trust me, you’ll think this is awesome, but it’ll only last for a bit. I know what I’m talking about; I spend plenty of time studying botany and writing shitty poetry in a field of flowers, and I would do almost anything just to add […] Read more
