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New Health Center Pizza Express Opens Doors to Sick, Hungry Student Body

Next month, students can expect a new University of Nebraska-Lincoln facility to revolutionize on-campus student health care. The Health Center Pizza Express (HCPX), opening its doors at the beginning of November for all current students, will offer a range of services from x-ray exams and STD testing to fast and affordable hot-and-ready pizza and breadsticks. […] Read more

Is The Rec Center Really A Good Place To Raise Your Family?

In a city plagued by hulking sweaty beefcakes, there is one area in Lincoln where the juiced up muscle heads make up the entirety of the population: the University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s Campus Recreation Center.

Traversing this traitorous terrain, one will find brutes lumbering from contraption to contraption, lifting, stretching and grunting for no apparent reason. This amalgamation of noise and stench amounts to what one can only describe as pure and utter chaos, which begs the question: is the Rec Center really a good place to raise a family?

Disregarding the group of innumerable chiseled titans perpetually stomping and screaming about the premises, one would be shocked to find that there are no suitable living areas for a family of any size at the Rec center. There isn’t a single bed, sofa, kitchen table or cupboard for your mom’s tchotchkes. Where is a child supposed to sleep? On top of one of those benches caked in sweat, dirt, and staphylococcus? Please, a child would sleep more soundly on the hard cold concrete sidewalk outside of the courthouse than on that filthy thing.

Another aspect of the Rec Center that insults its claim to being a respectable and safe area for raising a family is the gaping portal to the ethereal plane inside locker 487 in the men’s locker room. This interdimensional gate has recently let loose monsters of indescribable horror, who have been spotted playing racquet ball with each other and kidnapping small children to bring back to their world.

The monsters allegedly have hydrochloric acid saliva that can melt through most surfaces in the Rec. However, these hellish devil spawn pale in comparison to the sheer brutality of the common muscle jockey’s body odor. One should be much more fearful of the run-of-the-mill Rec resident than these extradimensional mutants.

The Rec simply cannot be considered safe and is by far the worst place to raise your family in the entire Lincoln area. Best stick to neighborhoods, Lincolnites.