It all started when the champion jokester of the class, fifth-grader Nathan O’Reilly, tried to throw his weight around with a joke towards Ben Lipton during art class. “Yo, Ben. You know what’s brown and belongs in the toilet but would clog it up?” inquired Nathan, who was only funny to everyone because both his […] Read more
After many lonely years, Teacher’s Assistant Seth O’Neill has hatched a plan to finally score the ever-elusive Valentine’s day date. “Due to my position as a TA in the College of Business Administration, I have had contact with quite a few students,” he remarked. “I figured it was high time I made that work to […] Read more
As the temperature starts to drop, many students are trying to stay warm as best as they can. Many resort to a traditional coat or sweatshirt, but freshmen Cody Parker is taking extreme remedies in order to stay warm by hibernating inside of an original Runza sandwich. “In San Diego, all you need is a […] Read more
A calmness spills through the Charter household. It seeps through the mistletoe, flows downs the stairs and finds its way into the branches of meticulously decorated Christmas tree. The family sits on their overstuffed couch. Christmas Eve. The smell of cinnamon rolls, almost done, waffs around, teasing the family of four. Bliss. Grandma is dead. […] Read more
This morning, English major Jared Buckley strode out into the field of daisies near his home, arms outstretched, with a carefree smile on his face and not a worry in his mind. Armed with a backpack full of poetry to make him seem sensitive and refined in case there were any girls around, he felt […] Read more
Confusion is spreading at Miller, Miller & Jenks financial holdings firm. Employees have reported receiving an email from Dave Parsons, an IT engineer, with an invitation to the Google Wave beta. The subject line of the emails all read “Merry Christmas! – With love, Dave.” Staff members have expressed bewilderment at the gift for a […] Read more
Local student Tina Branson reported this week that though she hasn’t seen her roommate in three weeks, she knows that she’s alive. How? Through the intense barrage of increasingly angry snapchats Tina has received for the past month. “At first, I thought it was just a joke,” Branson said, citing a snap from November that […] Read more
As a result of paying off massive debt from student loans as well as an abundant amount of borrowed cash from every close family member and friend, area man Connor McClung confirmed to sources early Wednesday morning that he is just barely able to scrape together enough spare change to renew his gold-level membership to […] Read more
The Christmas season is in full swing in the Sandon household. After a large Thanksgiving dinner, the family of University of Nebraska-Lincoln sophomore biology major Jon Sandon settled in to take in their favorite holiday film. “Every year, the whole family watches ‘A Christmas Story’ after we eat,” Sandon said. “And every year, my dad […] Read more
Following a recent outbreak of patchy facial hair, Lincoln residents are once again feeling safe to leave their houses. “I spent the entire month of November inside my house with all my doors deadbolted,” said Mildred Kemp, a local senior citizen. “It was just too scary to go out there with all those horrible beards.” […] Read more
